Mr. Bill and Miz Mona

Friday, October 1, 2010

Armpit News Alert 10.1.2010

Reporter Bob here to share with you the newest news in the New Republic, to entertain and please your pleasure pallet and bring you up to date with the world around you. ( Boy, what an ugly mouthful and you should know I hold Editor Sam completely responsible for this idiotic phrase- he's trying some new things to increase our reader volume- so do not throw rocks at me when you see me on the street or have them take away my doughnut allowance. I'm only surviving on my one free doughnut as all my funds go toward feeding Steve and his rather healthy diet of doughnuts, any veggies and See's chocolates).

Early this morning Acting Governor Bill has nominated several men and women to the position of Republic Senator and Representative. He has also put forward nominees for New Republic judges and magistrates for the future Senate and House of Representatives to peruse for selection. Elections have been set by the temporary and acting policy board, selected by the citizens from Militia and various citizen fraternal committees(Moose Club, Elks, Legion of Heroes and such). Date for the election is November 3rd, to correspond with the Empire general election, (if the High Muckedey-Muck backs off on his current dictatorship actions and allows the election to even take place).

In a surprising move, Acting Governor Bill, who is seeking election as the New Republic's first head statesman, selected Editor Sam for the position of Senator. He has also nominated Investigator/Security Agent James and Joshua for the positions of Republic Magistrates, ( these magistrate positions are also empowered with full law enforcement rights and duties, to work alongside with ARMPIT personnel, and under the leadership of the head judges).

Editor Sam accepted the nomination, but as of this hour there has been no word from Investigators James and Joshua, nor their loyal sidekick, Jeremy, who was also chosen as an Assistant Magistrate/coffee maker and run to Old Saddy's for today's doughnut and roadkill sandwich allotment, position.

On today's menu at Old Saddy's, ( yes- Editor Sam has me doing this too, but I have to eat), is roadkill porcupine-quill soup, rabbit burger (Steve is nit happy about this and is threatening to boycott Old Saddy's), and a blue berry tossed salad sweetened with Musk Ox sugar sweets ( don't ask- it's safer not to know).

Back to the REAL news, ARMPIT personnel report the arrest of three illegal immigrants at the northern border road shared with the Empire. Same identified as known skinheads, who had tried to sneak in with the crowds of people fleeing the Empire because of the High Muckedey-Mucks new laws, taxes and Aztecian/skin head warriors being allowed to violate the Empire's constitution under a so-called Public Spirit Act. Under this act, Empire soldiers and law enforcement officers, supported by Aztecian Warriors and Neo Nazi Skinheads, are illegally seizing private property, ( guns, ammo and knives, reloading equipment, bicycles, land and homes, animals- preferring sheep and goats, good looking daughters over the age of 16, all Bibles, any corvettes, Nestle's coco mix, puffed wheat, Beta-Max tapes, ruby slippers, cameras, computers and pencils).

These three skinheads, when searched, were proved to be carrying the needed ingredients for the making of the new fermented grape jelly nerve toxin. All three to be held until the new judges can be voted into place and a trial scheduled. As of yet, no one seems to want to defend them and a defense attorney will have to be assigned.

It was also learned that the Aztecian Grand Shaman, new arrival to the capital, has been named to the High Muckedey-Muck's cabinet as his new Chief of Staff. His first item on his agenda was to have all Christians rounded up, photographed- group shots allowed to save film, and put into work as trench diggers for the coming war. Prime, ( whatever that means), individuals will be held for future sacrifices.  Education camps to be set up for those Christians children under the age of 12 years old, where teachers will educate the children in the ways of the Aztecians and this was completely supported by the High Muckedey-Muck, who has added that all Christians will have the symbol of the cross stitched on their outer garments, adding all those of Jewish faith will have the Star of David placed on their out garments too.

In response to this dire news, an elderly church pastor by the name of Sid, has wandered into the limelight with accusations that the High Muckedey-Muck has proven himself to be the Anti-Christ and this Grand Shaman to be the Anti-Christ's evil sidekick identified in the Bible. Sid has further stated that the conduct of the the Aztecians and Neo-Nazi Skinheads, has proven the prophecy true of how all Christians would be persecuted unto death for their beliefs. Sid, who has a small following of 7-church members and two of them children, is now seeing a sudden burst of growth with over a thousand followers and his congregation is still growing. Sid has set up soup kitchens, food banks, aid stations and dog walking lots for the new arrivals from the Empire.

On a personal note, I came home from work last night to find that my buddy Steve had a house guest. Sitting on the floor, there wasn't a chair big enough, was a long haired dark brown 800-pound or better bunny by the name of Greg. I'd say his rear feet had to be a size 29 at least and he has deep blue eyes. I was to learn that Greg was Steve's big brother and he had come to find out why Steve had not returned home, ( I still don't know where Steve and now Greg are from). Greg has elected to stay to ensure his little brother is not being mistreated and he also has taken a dim view of this cafe serving roadkill bunny. Being that they were mostly speaking in bunny talk, I decided to go to bed. I didn't bother to lock the door as my house was now protected by two giant bunnies and both of them appear to have a fondness for Old Saddy's doughnuts- I gotta get a raise! 

All for now....

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