Mr. Bill and Miz Mona

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Armpit News Alert 10.4.2010

Reporter Bob here with his very large fury so-called friends, Steve and Greg. Both of which are at this moment lounging about my living room, (having broken my couch and now stuck with the floor), coughing up stinky fur balls the size of softballs, while listening to some of my old 1970's soft rock music hits. They have this strange fascination with vintage love songs. But Greg, who likes to dance a lot to late-1970's Disco, all too often knocks my dishes out of the cupboard, sends my velvet paintings crashing to the floor, ( he's already destroyed my favorite Elvis painting), and occasionally, he even stomps on my poor foot- if I'm not fast enough to get out of his way. I've already gone to the clinic once for a sore foot, but they laugh at me when I try to explain what had happened. It now seems that having these two Lepus-cuniculus fur balls around is now challenging my reputation as a truthful and completely factual reporter- not that they care....never mind! Let's go to the news.

It's been a busy week here in the New Republic. Population has nearly doubled as Empire citizens flee the High Muckedey-Muck's heavy handed dictatorship and the Grand Shaman's evil reign of terror.

The Empire has formally adopted the Aztecian sun worshiper's religion and the Grand Shaman was appointed head of the newly formed Empire Church of the Sun. Parrot feather seem to be in short supply, so chicken feathers are now being dyed purple, red and blue and used in place of the rare South and Central American parrot feathers, (existing parrot feather being saved for the higher church officers).

The new DMZ between the Empire and the New Republic is a one-mile wide marsh and empty valley, with the single highway secured on both sides by concrete bunkers, entry-control guard-posts and miles of razor wire and landmines. (with the occasional lemonade and hot dog stand operated by New Republic Girl Scouts & Junior Explosive Ordinance Disposal Cadets- chaperoned of course).

The High Muckedey-Muck has ordered the seizure of all television and radio stations in the Empire, but the South Central News Agency & Doughnut Distribution Company has heard word from at least two underground news stations and a pirate radio station being operated under the skinhead's headquarters.

These underground agencies have reported how armed Aztecian troops have been brought in from Central America by the planeloads and are being used to replace those military men and women who have escaped to the New Republic. Public school and colleges have been placed under the Grand Shaman's control- teachers and professors sent to re-education camps for a three-week course on understanding the new regime and their policies. All private schools have been closed, those teachers sent to dig trenches along the border or pick blueberries along the mountainsides. Scores of men and women have been reported missing and now presumed prisoners of the Grand Shaman, lambs to be used for sacrifice to the Empire's sun god. Fortunately, the fall storms have kept the sun from view and all sacrifices are on hold.

There has been sporadic fire between the two armies at several points along the border, but as of yet no report of injuries. Apparently the Aztecians warriors are not all the good of shot with their modern weapons, and their spears and arrows seem to be unable to make it across the border's new no man's land.

NEWS BREAK: The Aztecian Shaman, ( lesser in grade to the Grand Shaman, but still a devoted follower to the sun god he worships and until capture had been working on his merit badges) is very depressed by the fall storms- not to mention his all right fear of seeing snow on the mountain tops and not having any snow shoes or boots). He has been found guilty of terrorism, along with his surviving followers, (strange how their numbers have decreased while being held in the ARMPIT jail and my two fury buddies seem to be eating less doughnuts over the last few days), have been assigned the somewhat dangerous job of keeping Orkie fed and happy. The temporary judge, former Investigator James, advised the Shaman he was in his god's hands now and it would be up to him or her as to whether the Shaman would survive his labors. There would be no appeal and the Shaman was last seen shoving his followers in front of him as they approached the dock.

As to Orkie, he has proven to get a little excited at feeding time, some of the docking timber is now missing, and the current volunteers are more than happy to be replaced by the sentenced criminals.

In a startling discovery, I answered my door to find Old Saddy standing there with an armload of doughnut boxes. I of course allowed her to come in and when she did enter, she promptly dropped the boxes on Steve's lap and commenced to enter into a conversation with both bunnies. Afterward, she said goodbye and left me standing there awestruck as Steve and Greg selected their favorite doughnut, and chowed down. Apparently, Old Saddy can see and talk with my friends and I"m left wondering if it someway had something to do with a doughnut connection- some kind of Vulcan mind thing.

Now all of you don't forget tonight's ARMPIT rally as the new moose mounts and their riders are introduced to the community. ARMPIT is on alert for insurgents who might want to disrupt the meeting and anti-peanut butter bomb dog sniffers will be in attendance. Following the introduction there is a beanie and weenie eating contest, followed by loudest and creative fart and then best armpit-slapping music melody making competition. A square dance will follow with former Investigator Loyal Sidekick-Jeremy as caller. Don't miss it.

Turning to a somewhat somber note, make sure all of you know where your bomb shelters are in the event the Empire attacks. All military members will report immediately to their duty stations, but civilians will be directed to their assigned fall out shelters.

We're fighting for our independence, people and everyone of you is important! We will have our own ideas and choices about health care, education and who we will worship. We will not see our country collapsed by multi-billion dollar bailouts and gross recession because of misuse of funds by the executive branch... I could go on, but I must now turn to our station advertisement- bills have to be paid.

Now for the best in culinary treats, drive down to the Moose Pass Drive-In and Cafe. Sit in your car while beautiful young ladies on roller-skates bring your lip-sucking and mouth-drooling dinner-spread right to your vehicle at no extra cost. Dine on one of our roadkill specials, flavored in secret sauces created by Old Saddy herself. Dinner hours run between 4 pm to 9 pm, but the after hour specials can still elevate your pallet to a new level and each special comes with a freshly made chocolate doughnut. See you there!

Back to the news-

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