Mr. Bill and Miz Mona

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Armpit News Alert 10.4.2010

Reporter Bob here with his very large fury so-called friends, Steve and Greg. Both of which are at this moment lounging about my living room, (having broken my couch and now stuck with the floor), coughing up stinky fur balls the size of softballs, while listening to some of my old 1970's soft rock music hits. They have this strange fascination with vintage love songs. But Greg, who likes to dance a lot to late-1970's Disco, all too often knocks my dishes out of the cupboard, sends my velvet paintings crashing to the floor, ( he's already destroyed my favorite Elvis painting), and occasionally, he even stomps on my poor foot- if I'm not fast enough to get out of his way. I've already gone to the clinic once for a sore foot, but they laugh at me when I try to explain what had happened. It now seems that having these two Lepus-cuniculus fur balls around is now challenging my reputation as a truthful and completely factual reporter- not that they care....never mind! Let's go to the news.

It's been a busy week here in the New Republic. Population has nearly doubled as Empire citizens flee the High Muckedey-Muck's heavy handed dictatorship and the Grand Shaman's evil reign of terror.

The Empire has formally adopted the Aztecian sun worshiper's religion and the Grand Shaman was appointed head of the newly formed Empire Church of the Sun. Parrot feather seem to be in short supply, so chicken feathers are now being dyed purple, red and blue and used in place of the rare South and Central American parrot feathers, (existing parrot feather being saved for the higher church officers).

The new DMZ between the Empire and the New Republic is a one-mile wide marsh and empty valley, with the single highway secured on both sides by concrete bunkers, entry-control guard-posts and miles of razor wire and landmines. (with the occasional lemonade and hot dog stand operated by New Republic Girl Scouts & Junior Explosive Ordinance Disposal Cadets- chaperoned of course).

The High Muckedey-Muck has ordered the seizure of all television and radio stations in the Empire, but the South Central News Agency & Doughnut Distribution Company has heard word from at least two underground news stations and a pirate radio station being operated under the skinhead's headquarters.

These underground agencies have reported how armed Aztecian troops have been brought in from Central America by the planeloads and are being used to replace those military men and women who have escaped to the New Republic. Public school and colleges have been placed under the Grand Shaman's control- teachers and professors sent to re-education camps for a three-week course on understanding the new regime and their policies. All private schools have been closed, those teachers sent to dig trenches along the border or pick blueberries along the mountainsides. Scores of men and women have been reported missing and now presumed prisoners of the Grand Shaman, lambs to be used for sacrifice to the Empire's sun god. Fortunately, the fall storms have kept the sun from view and all sacrifices are on hold.

There has been sporadic fire between the two armies at several points along the border, but as of yet no report of injuries. Apparently the Aztecians warriors are not all the good of shot with their modern weapons, and their spears and arrows seem to be unable to make it across the border's new no man's land.

NEWS BREAK: The Aztecian Shaman, ( lesser in grade to the Grand Shaman, but still a devoted follower to the sun god he worships and until capture had been working on his merit badges) is very depressed by the fall storms- not to mention his all right fear of seeing snow on the mountain tops and not having any snow shoes or boots). He has been found guilty of terrorism, along with his surviving followers, (strange how their numbers have decreased while being held in the ARMPIT jail and my two fury buddies seem to be eating less doughnuts over the last few days), have been assigned the somewhat dangerous job of keeping Orkie fed and happy. The temporary judge, former Investigator James, advised the Shaman he was in his god's hands now and it would be up to him or her as to whether the Shaman would survive his labors. There would be no appeal and the Shaman was last seen shoving his followers in front of him as they approached the dock.

As to Orkie, he has proven to get a little excited at feeding time, some of the docking timber is now missing, and the current volunteers are more than happy to be replaced by the sentenced criminals.

In a startling discovery, I answered my door to find Old Saddy standing there with an armload of doughnut boxes. I of course allowed her to come in and when she did enter, she promptly dropped the boxes on Steve's lap and commenced to enter into a conversation with both bunnies. Afterward, she said goodbye and left me standing there awestruck as Steve and Greg selected their favorite doughnut, and chowed down. Apparently, Old Saddy can see and talk with my friends and I"m left wondering if it someway had something to do with a doughnut connection- some kind of Vulcan mind thing.

Now all of you don't forget tonight's ARMPIT rally as the new moose mounts and their riders are introduced to the community. ARMPIT is on alert for insurgents who might want to disrupt the meeting and anti-peanut butter bomb dog sniffers will be in attendance. Following the introduction there is a beanie and weenie eating contest, followed by loudest and creative fart and then best armpit-slapping music melody making competition. A square dance will follow with former Investigator Loyal Sidekick-Jeremy as caller. Don't miss it.

Turning to a somewhat somber note, make sure all of you know where your bomb shelters are in the event the Empire attacks. All military members will report immediately to their duty stations, but civilians will be directed to their assigned fall out shelters.

We're fighting for our independence, people and everyone of you is important! We will have our own ideas and choices about health care, education and who we will worship. We will not see our country collapsed by multi-billion dollar bailouts and gross recession because of misuse of funds by the executive branch... I could go on, but I must now turn to our station advertisement- bills have to be paid.

Now for the best in culinary treats, drive down to the Moose Pass Drive-In and Cafe. Sit in your car while beautiful young ladies on roller-skates bring your lip-sucking and mouth-drooling dinner-spread right to your vehicle at no extra cost. Dine on one of our roadkill specials, flavored in secret sauces created by Old Saddy herself. Dinner hours run between 4 pm to 9 pm, but the after hour specials can still elevate your pallet to a new level and each special comes with a freshly made chocolate doughnut. See you there!

Back to the news-

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Gripe Blog 10.1.10

This is the first in a weekly Friday Night Moose Pass Journal Editorial outlet, which I refer to as my Gripe Page. This is my e-mail and I can do that, but of course the Feds may already be monitoring me and actually, I do not really care. It's that Tree of Liberty thing.

Gripe 1: It just makes me mad how we've allowed the elected officials of our respective government offices to forget who elected them and more importantly, who these people serve. It isn't you or me...No, it's us! Once elected into office, that person takes an oath to serve all the people- whether this is city, county or state, or federal governments. I even took an oath as a police officer for every city I worked for. But over the years, we've allowed our elected officials to violate this oath and, for some reason that escapes me, we've turned a blind eye to it. We elect a president, republican or democrat, and his job is to represent all of us as Americans.

Yet, though we are adults and mostly all of us taxpayers, we allow this president, ( not just the current one), to use said tax funds to travel about the country at great expense,(plane costs, food and hotels, not to mention all the security personnel involved), to campaign solely for those people of his political party! Our taxes are helping a party we may not belong to and possibly against the very person(s) we may want elected, and we flip the bill for this. Why do we allow this to happen? Why isn't some Bernstein and the other guy doing a Watergate style investigation on this. I mean we're paying for the president's time and travel to do this, to use his political pull to campaign against a man or women we may want elected. How is this rational. In the civilian and non-political world this could be cited as fraud for misuse of company funds.

Gripe # 2: On another front- I once served my country in a time of war, like many of you and carry the scars, both inner and outer for it. And I'm proud to be called a veteran. But as a veteran, how can we allow this illegal and more often than not, hostile actions to continual along our own border? We've sent rockets over the border in to Pakistan to kill insurgents and I'd say we most likely have CIA/Special Op teams working in Pakistan also to route out those same insurgents. But right now we have thousands of illegal immigrants entering our borders through California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas. Hundreds of these people are carrying weapons and drugs and at some point their numbers could very well tip the scales against us if wide spread domestic terrorism breaks out. Remember the movie "Red Dawn", how the Hispanic armies came across the border and caught us sleeping. How many drug cartel soldiers have already crossed and what is their real agenda? Is it dope sales or something even more diabolical? How many of these same criminal does it take to kidnap our various leaders or threaten to harm the families of local and state politicians to sway their votes. Remember when it happened in 1934 Nazi Germany or 1963 Viet Nam, when the enemy began terrorizing the leaders with threats of harm to their families. Soon after, the actual harm came. For Germany it was called the Night of the Long Knives, when over 3,000 of Hitler's enemies were killed off and in Viet Nam similar action was carried out by the Viet Cong. How many well-armed and well-equipped soldiers does it take to make an army? To seize an airport? And we are allowing thousands to cross and this is being caught on film every day and the government can only act by wanting to sue Arizona for doing its job.

We continue to fight a major war in the big sandbox over there, causing so many of our troops to serve two and three tours in combat. But just like our 10-year war in Viet Nam, we are fighting it in limited fashion and once we pull out- what have we truly gained. Iran is ready to move in on Iraq and in fact has already accomplished small-scale raids into Iraq. A lot of lives lost, men and women wounded and how did it benefit America? Sure we may have some oil, but for how long since it is our enemies who control the oil. Now I'm not against the war over there, but I'm too old to be one of the men serving there and it should be the young fighters who have more of a say in this. But I strongly feel we should learn from our own history and fight this war as a war and not repeat the same mistakes we made with Viet Nam.  Politicians love to say we won the war in Viet Nam, but the men and women who fought there know better.

As most of you know, you've heard my boring stories often enough, I was part of the roll-up force for the closure of Danang AFB, South Viet Nam in 1973. Danang was a major Air Force, Army, Navy and even a Coast Guard installation, located 80-miles  south of North Viet Nam. Well, once we signed the Paris Peace Treaty, ending our participation in the war, we prepared to pull out. BUT the South Vietnamese were still fighting for their lives and we were no longer helping them. I was on the very last plane to leave Danang and was subjected to the very worst experience of my life up to that time, but still one of the worst to this day. As we, all 29 of us, stripped of all our weapons ( but some hidden knives), were allowed to board the C-130 cargo craft for the flight to Udorn, Thailand, (200) of our former enemy, standing in two formations, one on each side of us, was on hand to see us off. US aircraft had flown these 200 North Vietnamese soldiers, under the command of a 4-star North Vietnamese general, down to Danang to supervise our departure and he was actually counting our noses as we boarded the plane. Now does this sound like we won anything or were we retreating with our tails between our legs because of political pressure brought about by the enemy's propaganda machine back in the states?

 Much like in the 1960's, our great country is beginning to fall apart and mostly from within.  Only today in the news, I read of how a husband and wife were boating on a lake shared by Mexico and Texas. Now maybe these boaters didn't have all the brains in the world and got too close to Mexico so they could photograph the beautiful Mexican shoreline, but they sure didn't deserve the reception they received from the Mexican Tourism Office. Two boats, each manned with 3 gun toting bandits, all suspected drug cartel, came out to greet them and began shooting. The husband was shot in the head, he fell out of the boat and is presumed dead. The wife, who tried to pull her man back into the boat, was forced to retreat under a hail of fire. When asked what our federal government was going to do about it, she was informed that politicians would talk to their politicians and see if the man's body could be found and returned. No mention of going after the bandits was made by our side, and this is probably because the cartels either own most of the politicians in Mexico are have threatened so many into constant fear of losing their families our side knows they will fail to act.

No, I think it is time we pull some of our people home from the war zone and use these highly trained combat veterans and our advanced equipment to clean out a 100-mile safe zone between Mexico and the US Border. 50-miles on each side of the line because the cartels are already patrolling parts of the US side. Mexico is afraid to act and we either take the offensive or we will lose our lands, our people and our way of life for sitting on our thumbs.

There used to be a federal mandate, quite old I'm sure, which allowed us to enter Mexico when our border became threatened. We used this to go after warring Apaches and even after Pancho Villa, when his army attacked a Texas town and robbed the bank. Eventually, we entered Mexico in force and routed out all the bandits and evil elements, before handing the then safe border land back over to Mexican authorities.

We either act, or we lose. We can play our game boys, text our buddies and watch our movies, but unless we stop the invasion of the US, we will not win and we have so much to lose.  But as I said before, I'm too old to fight now in such a war, but I will always keep my weapons ready for the time when our Freedom bell is tossed to the ground and all of our American flags are either stomped on burned.

That's it for this Friday. Thanks for reading. BILL

Moose Pass Journal family news update 10.1.2010

We just got back from the ER with Grandma and drove home through a torrential rain storm. Jeremy and I spent the day in Soldotna and came home to find that Mom wanted to take Grandma Lee to the ER, because she was worried about swelling in her legs. Doctors examined her and suspect possibility of a blood clot in her leg, but we couldn't get a ultrasound until Monday. Because oral medicine for the clot was available, we thought it better to bring Grandma home rather than keep her in Seward for the weekend. Medicine will keep the clot from creating problems, but on Monday we will find out if something else needs to be done. We are keeping invasive procedures at a minimum because Grandma doesn't want to be messed with this late in the game, but we also do not want to see her suffer. So we will medicate her here at home and keep her comfortable and see what Monday brings. She's not the most patient of patients and most of the time she is in another world all together. She usually knows us best in the morning hours. They have a term, "Sundowner", which means that something happens in the afternoon hours that heightens the dementia and they are unable to explain how or why this happens.

All for now. Love, DAD

Friday, October 1, 2010

Armpit News Alert 10.1.2010

Reporter Bob here to share with you the newest news in the New Republic, to entertain and please your pleasure pallet and bring you up to date with the world around you. ( Boy, what an ugly mouthful and you should know I hold Editor Sam completely responsible for this idiotic phrase- he's trying some new things to increase our reader volume- so do not throw rocks at me when you see me on the street or have them take away my doughnut allowance. I'm only surviving on my one free doughnut as all my funds go toward feeding Steve and his rather healthy diet of doughnuts, any veggies and See's chocolates).

Early this morning Acting Governor Bill has nominated several men and women to the position of Republic Senator and Representative. He has also put forward nominees for New Republic judges and magistrates for the future Senate and House of Representatives to peruse for selection. Elections have been set by the temporary and acting policy board, selected by the citizens from Militia and various citizen fraternal committees(Moose Club, Elks, Legion of Heroes and such). Date for the election is November 3rd, to correspond with the Empire general election, (if the High Muckedey-Muck backs off on his current dictatorship actions and allows the election to even take place).

In a surprising move, Acting Governor Bill, who is seeking election as the New Republic's first head statesman, selected Editor Sam for the position of Senator. He has also nominated Investigator/Security Agent James and Joshua for the positions of Republic Magistrates, ( these magistrate positions are also empowered with full law enforcement rights and duties, to work alongside with ARMPIT personnel, and under the leadership of the head judges).

Editor Sam accepted the nomination, but as of this hour there has been no word from Investigators James and Joshua, nor their loyal sidekick, Jeremy, who was also chosen as an Assistant Magistrate/coffee maker and run to Old Saddy's for today's doughnut and roadkill sandwich allotment, position.

On today's menu at Old Saddy's, ( yes- Editor Sam has me doing this too, but I have to eat), is roadkill porcupine-quill soup, rabbit burger (Steve is nit happy about this and is threatening to boycott Old Saddy's), and a blue berry tossed salad sweetened with Musk Ox sugar sweets ( don't ask- it's safer not to know).

Back to the REAL news, ARMPIT personnel report the arrest of three illegal immigrants at the northern border road shared with the Empire. Same identified as known skinheads, who had tried to sneak in with the crowds of people fleeing the Empire because of the High Muckedey-Mucks new laws, taxes and Aztecian/skin head warriors being allowed to violate the Empire's constitution under a so-called Public Spirit Act. Under this act, Empire soldiers and law enforcement officers, supported by Aztecian Warriors and Neo Nazi Skinheads, are illegally seizing private property, ( guns, ammo and knives, reloading equipment, bicycles, land and homes, animals- preferring sheep and goats, good looking daughters over the age of 16, all Bibles, any corvettes, Nestle's coco mix, puffed wheat, Beta-Max tapes, ruby slippers, cameras, computers and pencils).

These three skinheads, when searched, were proved to be carrying the needed ingredients for the making of the new fermented grape jelly nerve toxin. All three to be held until the new judges can be voted into place and a trial scheduled. As of yet, no one seems to want to defend them and a defense attorney will have to be assigned.

It was also learned that the Aztecian Grand Shaman, new arrival to the capital, has been named to the High Muckedey-Muck's cabinet as his new Chief of Staff. His first item on his agenda was to have all Christians rounded up, photographed- group shots allowed to save film, and put into work as trench diggers for the coming war. Prime, ( whatever that means), individuals will be held for future sacrifices.  Education camps to be set up for those Christians children under the age of 12 years old, where teachers will educate the children in the ways of the Aztecians and this was completely supported by the High Muckedey-Muck, who has added that all Christians will have the symbol of the cross stitched on their outer garments, adding all those of Jewish faith will have the Star of David placed on their out garments too.

In response to this dire news, an elderly church pastor by the name of Sid, has wandered into the limelight with accusations that the High Muckedey-Muck has proven himself to be the Anti-Christ and this Grand Shaman to be the Anti-Christ's evil sidekick identified in the Bible. Sid has further stated that the conduct of the the Aztecians and Neo-Nazi Skinheads, has proven the prophecy true of how all Christians would be persecuted unto death for their beliefs. Sid, who has a small following of 7-church members and two of them children, is now seeing a sudden burst of growth with over a thousand followers and his congregation is still growing. Sid has set up soup kitchens, food banks, aid stations and dog walking lots for the new arrivals from the Empire.

On a personal note, I came home from work last night to find that my buddy Steve had a house guest. Sitting on the floor, there wasn't a chair big enough, was a long haired dark brown 800-pound or better bunny by the name of Greg. I'd say his rear feet had to be a size 29 at least and he has deep blue eyes. I was to learn that Greg was Steve's big brother and he had come to find out why Steve had not returned home, ( I still don't know where Steve and now Greg are from). Greg has elected to stay to ensure his little brother is not being mistreated and he also has taken a dim view of this cafe serving roadkill bunny. Being that they were mostly speaking in bunny talk, I decided to go to bed. I didn't bother to lock the door as my house was now protected by two giant bunnies and both of them appear to have a fondness for Old Saddy's doughnuts- I gotta get a raise! 

All for now....

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Moose Pass Journal family news update 9.29.2010

Hello:  The Old Woman got pretty tired out from her trip to the Emergency Room two days ago and has been in sleep mode pretty much since. Accept for some nearly unconscious trips to the portable commode, she has been out. We now have a borrowed baby monitor to help us listen in, in the event she tries to get out of bed. She has almost no use of her legs anymore, so she will most likely fall.

I got a few morning chores done as there was a feeling of snow in the air, some of the near peaks got hit with a dash of it. Was about 28 degrees when I got up, but will warm up to about mid-40's. So snow is possible at any time, but we could also wait until after Halloween. I remember the year we only got 6 inches for the entire winter and that was right before Christmas and then the winters we were dumped on. I have a feeling that from the wet summer we got this could be a dumper winter. But it is always anybody's guess.  The  greenhouse plastic has been ripped to shreds by the wind, so everything inside froze. Sad to see Mom's beautiful roses freeze up and my one stalk of corn that was producing die. Will have to re-plastic the sides and do something about the roof before snow.  Raked the leaves again, using them for later mulch after a winter's storage in circle shaped chicken wire enclosures.

Mom is going to town today, taking one of our seniors in. So I will monitor Grandma. Friday I'm thinking about going to Soldotna to hit the food bank there for supplies. We have to store the stuff in our house right now so it won't be too much. Once we get into the church we will have more room, a refrigerator and freezer to use.

That's it for now.  Love, DAD

Armpit News Alert 9.27.2010

Reporter Bob here, burning the midnight oil for that relentless tyrant Editor Sam and getting just another story out before the press closes down for the night and our staff of 4 goes home. Had to change the smoke detector battery too before the old man docked my pay again, he's a stickler for an employee carrying out all the duties prescribed in the agency's employee contract- even though I'd spent a whole 78-hours strapped to a massive peanut bomb and heckled and taunted by illegal immigrants leaping around in ceremonial costume, while their shaman smeared me over with some foul smelling oil. You'd think I'd get a vacation, some workman's comp time off, but NO-O-O, Editor Sam was right on my case to finish writing up my stories on my Aztecian investigation and links to the High Muckedey-Muck.

Well, anyway, since Sir Bill has announced plans to step down as Grand Poo-Pah for the Southern Region and declare our independence, Editor Sam has decided we need not be an underground news agency anymore and renamed ourselves as the South Central Moose Pass News Agency and sole distributor for Old Saddy's doughnuts, road kill fine sauces and coffee bean recipes. Apparently we don't really make all that much money on selling news so the deal with Old Saddy could at least allow me to have a businessman's lunch once a week at the Moose Pass Bar & Grill, ( formally called the Moose Pass Lodge).

Breaking News today: Militia spies working deep inside the High Muckedey-Muck's capital have reported to Militia Intelligence, ( we receive their reports over our wires and that's how we get the news so fast), how the High Muckedey-Muck is using promises to the remaining Grand Poo-Pahs, ( or intimidation), to impose a new security program, which will allow him to review everyone's e-mail traffic, see what sites they are checking out and any game programs we might be playing. The High Muckedey-Muck is also in the process of bailing out several game manufacturers with new funds provided by the Aztecian Better Life through Sacrifice Foundation. Seems that whenever someone is given the high honor of selection for sacrifice to the sun god, with promises of 177 virgins and a never ending supply of little blue pills, his property is then donated to this foundation- which has just been listed on the Empire stock market.

(I've always wondered, that's what the men get for said sacrifice, but what does a woman get?)

Anyway, a News Break came in over the wire while I was typing this and it appears a new rumor is circulating through Empire ranks of how the Aztecians/Skinhead Alliance had developed a new weapon. High tec to be sure, and even able to work with the peanut butter delivery system, this new weapon is described as a fermented grape jelly nerve toxin. (How fiendish!)

Yes, war is in the air and even Steve, my humongous rabbit buddy, feels it too. I've also noticed that Steve seems to be invisible to everyone else. Even Editor Sam doesn't recall ever seeing Steve, but I think he is messing with me. So, I have this idea, which I need to talk over with General John, and Steve too of course, but to send Steve, if he volunteers, into the Empire with plans to either capture this new lethel weapon or destroy it.

From what I've learned from my late night talks with Steve, he...or she, doesn't matter, that he doesn't think to highly of these PETA people. Seems they liked to test on his smaller cousins and lie about it, and he didn't think the chocolate bunnies made at Easter time were all that flattering. He says he knows the Easter bunny and the guy isn't all that friendly, he hates eggs and got into the whole stupid thing so he could burglarize the homes and steal the bright shiny things all the little kids played with. I haven't asked him about Santa, but I'm not sure I want to now. Besides that, Steve eats more doughnuts than the entire moose corps all together and Old Saddy is none too happy with me at the moment, I'm over drawn and Editor Sam thinks I'm making the whole Steve thing up. He just doesn't want to pay me what I'm owed.

All for tonight.

Moose Pass Journal family news update 9.27.2010

Just to let you know that Grandma has rallied, but is worn out and looks like she just played 4 quarters with the Green Bay Packers. Her heart is okay, but the incident that hit on Saturday night of last week has caused her dementia to greatly accelerate and she is, I'd estimate 70-80% of the time on a different plain of thought. Last night was one of the worst, Mona mostly or I, was up with her most of the night to keep her in bed and we had to take her into the hospital ER in Seward to get some help with dealing with her episodes. We ended up being in there most of the day as they examined her. Doctor feels the incident was either heart attack or stroke like we thought. Some of her system still shut down, but I won't go into all that. She is still with us for now and I thank you for all your prayers. I ask now that you pray against her fears, which make their presence known as her mind wanders from one realm to another.

It is always hard to see a parent go through this, though for a lot of the elderly this is the norm as they draw closer to their end of life on this mortal plain and make the journey to the next world to be with God. When Grandma is coherent we discuss this and laugh about which husband she might see first, but then that faraway look comes into her eyes and she is elsewhere again. Accept for the fear she so often feels, she seems happy at times as she talks to people unseen and makes plans for this or that, or wonder where this person is. I've been called every name in the family tree, thankfully just the males so far. She listens to Mona, which is good.

Anyway, just an update and appreciation for all your prayers. 

Armpit News Alert 9.26.2010

Reporter Bob is back with you, having survived my torturous ordeal with those Aztecian fiends and then those cold hard hands of Nurse Wanda (wears those fake long fingernails covered in red car enamel) who bandaged me up and cleaned the stinky peanut butter out of my nostrils . Yes, people, I came pretty close to being offered up as a sacrifice to those foul sun worshipers once the temple was completed and I am totally grateful, (I'll buy you a coffee sometime), to those courageous Militia boys and girls, and those club swinging conservative religious right band of guerrillas, who assisted in the take over of the Aztecian grounds and freeing me. Way to go, guys... girls too!

It is also my pleasure to announce that Old Saddy, a bit ruffled to be sure, has reopened her cafe and is offering free doughnuts, (only the first one and no bear claws), to all those who were involved in what has come to be known as the Moose Pass Cafe and Aztecian scuffle.

It also appears that Orkie, the somewhat friendly Killer Whale, who is responsible for keeping the Shaman from escaping, has been adopted by ARMPIT. Orkie has also been designated an honorary moose. Feeding times have been set-up for Orkie and volunteers are requested to sign-up for the daily feeding....ah, fish to be supplied for food, but quick hands a necessity.

Last night's community meeting, held at the Moose Pass Community Center and attended by all parties involved in the defense of Moose Pass and the deterrence of criminal activity by unsavory characters, was led by Sir Bill and Lady Mo. They spoke of setting up a border defense for the Southern Region and sending a formal notification to the High Muckedey-Muck, which would announce plans for the Southern Region to sever all ties with the rest of the Empire, (outside of tourism of course), and proclaim themselves their own sovereignty. This announcement was met with a thunderous applause, gun fire, hats flying and several chickens released  into the air.

Sir Bill warned the people that a war with the Empire would assuredly be coming, especially since the High Muckedey-Muck was now surrounding himself with newly arrived Aztecian warriors, skinheads and lumbering goons. Border defensive positions would have to be installed and the Militia would have to enlarge to prevent the Southern Region from being overrun by sun worshiping killer clowns armed with nuclear suitcase peanut butter bombs.

Sir Bill further announced that Lt Col. John was promoted to Lt. General John and placed in charge of the Militia personnel, while Major John, now promoted to full colonel, would remain in charge of all ARMPIT personnel.

It was also during this meeting that ARMPIT Intelligence people had recently learned and now announced how in the Empire's attempt to keep a ready cash flow handy had borrowed $800 billion from an unfriendly oriental country, who had once played a great drum routine for an Olympic ceremony and liked fortune cookies, had secured this outrageous loan with a very secret negotiation; offering up all the natural resources belonging to the Empire's Southern Region in the event the loan could not be repaid. A fact apparently unknown to nearly 99.9 percent of the people of the Empire.

As an added attraction to the first of many community meetings, Professor Mulligan of the Emerald City, a strange little man only 3-feet tall, with orange hair, was on hand to offer up free hot-air balloon rides to the Land of Oz, ( however return trips were not guaranteed and a signed insurance waiver was required). Ruby slippers were also offered, size 6 only, and a bottle of a smelly oil for air sickness. He was also selling bags of anti-witch powder for those taking the trip.

I also want to take this moment to tell all my readers that Editor Sam's humongous rabbit named Steve, seems to be now following me around. I've discovered he drools a lot when in the presence of hot fudge-sundays and likes to play checkers, ( he cheats....I think it's a he).

That's it for this weekly wrap-up. The Militia, out numbered to the max, is preparing for a possible war with the Empire northern, western and eastern regions, while the High Muckedey-Muck attempts a gradual and sneaky hostile take-over of the Empire. ( he hopes to accomplish this while everyone is watching Sunday and Monday Night Football). Boot camp for new militia personnel is underway and new mounts are being rounded up for new ARMPIT personnel. Old Saddy is busy putting out dozens of doughnuts by the hour to feed the troops, but fears her supply of flour may be cut off with the war looming.

This is the former Empire's Only Underground News Agency.... waiting for new name, signing off.

Armpit News Alert 9.25.2010

Breaking News: The High Muckedey-Muck, who has put into place a massive plan for socialized medicine, the buying out of the banks & mortgage companies and the bigger auto works, is rumored to be taking on the Empire's whole education program- not counting the home school, special charter programs and private academies. It was then mentioned in a popular TV talk show, conservative of course, by a woman who had actually lied through it, that in 1938-39 an elected state leader in Europe had implemented the very same programs- his name was Hitler...Adolph Hitler The next item to come under his unconstitutional attack was unauthorized religion....makes one think, doesn't it.

Reported Bob had taken upon himself to conduct an extensive investigation that linked the High Muckedey-Muck with domestic terrorism, by his prior association with the Storm Chaser organization while he was in college. Reporter Bob then mysteriously vanished, presumed kidnapped. Papers found in the office of the Empire's Only Underground News Agency showed Reporter Bob was building a story on the High Muckedey-Muck's direct association with sun worshiping Aztecians.

Reporter Bob had positive proof Neo-Nazi skin heads were being allowed to pass through the Empire under passes issued by the Office of the High Muckedey-Muck. Such action would have caused several conservative factions to rise up and voice their contempt for the High Muckedey-Muck in any attempt to force a new amnesty program through the parliament for all PETA, Green Peace and Aztecians.

Rumors obtained by Editor Sam spoke of how the High Muckedey-Muck may take steps to stop the 2012 elections, using the power of his office to keep him in office. He would use his Aztecian soldiers, who seem to be popping up everywhere, to enforce his will upon the people of the Empire. Word has it that some of the cleaning staff inside the capital, who were looking for a place to get some sleep, had seen the High Muckedey-Muck worshiping, what they believed to be a replica of the sun god. But when asked for an official statement these people have all declined.

Sir Bill, when he heard of these facts and rumors, went so far as to officially, and on TV, separate himself from the Empire's political system. He then requested the Moose Pass Militia to rise up to protect the Southern Region from the schemes of the High Muckedey-Muck. Militia elements, mostly older veterans, trappers and experienced hunters, have armed themselves in preparations for war. Their first action was to take and hold the Empire goons, who were holding Old Saddy. The militia then had to protect their prisoners from Saddy's violent wrath, causing EMT's to respond to the jail to provide aide to the goons.

The Moose Pass Militia, riled up and feisty, were filled up with Old Saddy's fresh doughnuts, (the cafe was re-opened of course and guards posted to prevent another closure), then attacked the Aztecian grounds. The fire fight between the two forces lasted for several hours, with parrot feathers flying when the old Shaman attempted to escape by boat. The boat was quickly sunk when Orkie, who had not been seen for days, suddenly appeared and rammed the highly decorated whale boat.

Frightened Neo-Nazi skinheads were rounded up and placed inside the ARMPIT stalls and corrals, guarded closely by 2-year old moose rookies. ARMPIT personnel had finally taken a vote and unanimously decided to work with the militia forces. They then assisted in the attack, their fearsome mounts, with nostrils flaring and beady eyes glaring, and sent the Aztecian warriors fleeing  for their lives. The rest of the lowlifes who were brought in to assist the Aztecians in the building of their temple were leaped upon by a company size force of angry nuns. Armed with clubs, the nuns had joined forces with the local Baptists and Methodists to route the evil ones from their community.

When it was over, some 158 vile devil worshipers and their shaman were in custody. But inside the temple grounds, Lt. Col John discovered the early building stages of a nuclear peanut butter boiler. When Sir Bill and his investigator/security staff learned of this peanut butter nuclear boiler - Investigators James and Joshua and their trusty and loyal sidekick Jeremy, began interviewing the Aztecian workers. Though water boarding was suggested, even feeding a couple of the warriors to Orkie, Sir Bill declined the usage of such a techniques, but did agree the usage of moose nuggets to get the workers to talk. When demonstrated on the first man, who had gone so far as to spit a parrot feather at one of the Baptist volunteers, the rest of the workers agreed to talk. The usage of the moose nuggets was not a pretty sight to be sure.

After listening to the workers spill their guts, Sir Bill knew the time was rapidly coming for a confrontation between the forces of good and evil. The High Muckedey-Muck's armies were growing with the recent surge of Aztecians being allowed to enter the Empire. Promises were being made for an Empire of sun worshipers, with two-years of college or a short stint in the Empire military forces being offered to obtain citizenship. As to where the funds for college and military duty would come to cover such promises, Sir Bill was troubled. He knew the High Muckedey-Muck was eventually have to raise taxes, implement a national sales tax and control the monetary system.

But on a good note; an unconscious Reporter Bob was discovered strapped to a 2,000 pound peanut butter bomb inside the basement of the Aztecian temple. According to Aztecian workers, the big bomb was supposed to go off in the event an overwhelming attack was made on the temple. But the Aztecian warrior responsible with the duty of setting it off, had been trampled under the hooves of an ARMPIT mount.

Reporter Bob was taken to the clinic for treatment, but is expected to make a full recovery and return to the news agency.

That's it for now. The situation is now in the hands of the High Muckedey Muck. And about the 600 pound rabbit I mentioned in the last report, please disregard. He is actually 655-pounds and I've named him Steve. I'm teaching him to type, but his spelling is terrible.

Moose Pass Journal family news update 9.23.2010

Hello: Mona and I would like to ask all of you for prayer support. Grandma Lee is dying and we are asking God to provide her with a painless and easy passing, and grace for us to not fall into a heap over this.

Grandma Lee has been living with us for 21-years and a main ingredient into this family mixture and most of you have been touched by her through the years and you know how to pray. She is two months shy of her 91st birthday, (November 20th), but is now pretty much incoherent. Sorry, my spelling is off this morning. We are keeping her warm and comfortable. She didn't want to go to the hospital, didn't want to be messed with when the time came and wanted to remain home when the time came. But she seems to be still tough and holding on longer than we thought, even when her system begin shutting down. She just wants to go home now. Last night Mona and I alternated with sitting with her, or simply checking on her throughout the night and this morning she was still with us, but not wanting to wake up.  I'll keep you all advised.

Thank you. Dad/Bill

Moose Pass Journal family news update 9.19.2010

Greetings: No ARMPIT tale tonight, I'm a bit tired. Just got back from Sunday night services where I taught the adult class on Moral Excellence. I used of course the story of Jesus, as he is the only one who achieved this mark. But from a suggestion of mom's I also taught on Joseph, his relationship with the leader of Egypt and Joseph's special relationship with God. They shot baskets for a bit, Jeremy supplied the basketball and yes, I still cannot hit the basket. Never was any good at basketball.

Talked to John today on the phone and he explained how he felt getting tasered at the academy. He goes on a ride-a-long with Sitka PD on Friday night. This is one of the departments looking at him and it will give him an idea of what Sitka night life is like.

Mom is doing well, using her medicine and now preparing for a week long seminar she is helping host in Seward for mental health.

Grandma isn't doing well. We suspect that during the night she may have suffered a TIA- minor stroke of the brain. She has slept all day and is quite weak, which is unusual for her and her blood pressure is up. She is quite foggy, vision still blurry and for the first time wasn't sure who I was. I will stay close to her this week while Mom is gone. Not sure, this may or not be her fading away time. She has rallied before, but this seems different. Hard to see my mom like this....enough said for now.

Having church at the school has kept our numbers down, but our worship team seems to have improved with being able to spread out some. We have picked up some nicknames for some of the members. We refer to Jeremy as Sniper, Keith is "One Time"- as he catches the tune the first time and I often refer to as a tundra wookie and Casey is known as "Re-run"- as he doesn't catch the tune the first time. Casey showed up for practice last night wearing an Elmer Fudd red checkered hunting cap, white t-shirt, multi-colored Bermuda shorts and red high top sneakers. He is from Southern California and plays bass quite well.

Smokey is sitting beside me and watching me type, he wants his water changed and wonders why I haven't done it for him.

Leo D, your Aunt Sally's oldest boy, is in the hospital for heart problems and it seems he will be there for a bit as they want to insert one of those heart devices in his upper chest to keep his beat down and restart him if needed. Rough on Sally being down in South Dakota, while her boy goes through this.

Bugs around the yard are incredible, driving us in the house when they are at their worst. I'm looking forward to the cold, just for that fact. I'm digging holes to put trees and bushes in, and clearing land upset by electrical crew to prepare for planting after I get some top soil in.

Oh well, all for now. I have to write a letter to a friend who is now in jail. Oh, Lisa stopped by on her way back to Seward. She is attending AVTEC for computer sciences. No longer working in the jail. She dropped off 30 lb of moose burger for our food bank and sends her loves to all of you. Mike, her husband got another moose this season, so he is happy.

Good night. Love, DAD

Armpit News Alert 9.17.2010

Editorial by Editor Sam: In the absence of my dear friend, Reporter Bob, whose whereabouts remain unknown, I have elected to write his weekly editorial for him. I was able to piece together some of the notes he had left in his office desk; items he had been working on for this weekly tidbit. I only hope that those scoundrels who are holding him will treat him with the dignity he deserves as an outstanding newsman for many years and now on the run from Empire Authorities for speaking the truth.

Had h been here today, Reporter Bob would've highlighted the wrongdoings by the Empire and especially those misdeeds being carried out by the High Muckedey-Muck and his cabinet of foul-mouthed degenerates. People who have forgotten the men and women of the Empire who voted them into office.

Reporter Bob would've asked all of you to search your soul and ask yourself the question of how much longer will we put up with a government body that no longer cares about the individual's rights. How we have allowed the Empire elected officials to fly about the land, campaigning for their particular political party, while spending hard earned tax dollars contributed by every man and woman of the Empire? How the High Muckedey-Muck can use Empire aircraft and vehicles, along with security personnel, to campaign across the country for men and women of one political party?

We as people of the Empire voted the High Muckedey-Muck into office and he is sworn to represent all of us, yet he campaigns for only one political party and their agenda... and on our dime and we allow this by turning a deaf ear to it.

The High Muckedey-Muck promised no raise in taxes, to take us out of debt, but his schemes have all failed and he has placed us ever deeper in the hole. Now we borrow billions from the very countries we fear of entering into future wars with and what will we do when they call their marker in? Give them part of the Empire?

He has forced health care issues, even going so far as a plan to legalize the possession of peanut butter bomb making material without a permit as a way to help his friends of PETA and Green Peace.

Evidence has surfaced that connects the High Muckedey-Muck with radical domestic terrorists; the Storm Chasers who were quite active in the 1960- 1970 era. Entering into politics from the very living room of this terrorist leader's house and studied under two of the great collegian socialists of the 1970's.  Yet his promises made us blind to his secret agenda to bring about the downfall of a freedom loving Empire. It is due to such iron-fist tactics that forced this news agency to go underground, or risk having our printing press turned to slab metal and our employees jailed for speaking their minds.

Now, Reporter Bob, whose apartment was left in shambles, his computer and files taken and he himself feared kidnapped, has only these few notes written on three napkins, an Old Saddy's road kill menu and the bottom of one slipper, left into his investigation of the High Muckedey-Muck.

But Sir Bill's private security investigators, James-Joshua and their loyal sidekick, Jeremy, have turned up one single piece of evidence in Reporter Bill's disappearance; under the couch of Reporter Bob's couch, stuck to a hair ball and a piece of chewed up gum, was a single blue parrot's feather. This evidence was ignored by the Empire goon squad brought in to assist ARMPIT crime scene teams, but local ARMPIT personnel have advised me that such a feather matches up perfectly with the blue parrot feather worn by the Aztecians- especially the ceremonial gown worn by the shaman himself.

Already there have been ties shown between the Aztecians and the High Muckedey-Muck, especially when it was learned how the High Muckedey-Muck had even paid the border fees for the Aztecians to enter the Empire and gone so far as to send the Aztec Shaman on an all-expense paid trip to Peru to express to the Hispanic and Indian people of the Empire's love for them and a desire to begin trade relations once the cultural and religious walls were torn down. But today things turned even darker when a convoy of heavy equipment arrived in Moose Pass, escorted by three truckloads of skin-head neo-nazi construction workers and their black clothed goose stepping security force. These people had come from far and wide to help the Aztecians build their ceremonial temple, with attached DISH satellite and ceremonial sacrificial stone.

This was a sad day for Moose Pass and the people of the Empire.

ARMPIT personnel were called out to quell the disturbance, when locals (five beer guzzling loggers and their cook-Susie), begin to kick the quickly deflated high-stepping neo-nazi troops and their Aztecian counter-parts all over the parking lot of Saddy's boarded up cafe. For one brief moment, the sun shined and birds sang and freedom bells were ringing.

It should also be noted that though our esteemed ARMPIT personnel did break up the one-sided brawl, (Susie, who was swinging her two 24-inch cast-iron frying pans wildly about and had four Aztecians down, and was in the process of dropping her 482-pounds on top another three of the skin-heads), ARMPIT personnel refused to make any arrests of the locals.

One photo, which will appear on the front page of this news agency's paper tomorrow proudly displays four Neo-Nazi goose steppers hanging from the moose rack of Corporal Bambi ( known unofficially as Bam-Bam, has a 58-inch rack and weighs in at 1900-pounds). It was reported that Sergeant Milligan was simply using his mount Bambi to gently escort the troublemakers from the area.

In closing, I would strongly suggest that our Empire goons, currently now in residence in Moose Pass, at tax payers expense, might get off their duffs ( observed to be spending most of their time watching football and flirting with a 68-year old lodge bartender), and locate Reporter Bob before he ends up being the first invite to the shaman's ceremonial sacrificial stone.

(Any relationship between high Empire officials and current elected officials is meant to be humorous and not to be taken seriously. Okay, This is in jest- all right- quit bugging my phone and get that 600-pound rabbit out of my room!) This note is for any of the Secret Service, NSA, CIA, FBI, IRS and NFL spooks who might be reading my e-mails.

Armpit News Alert 9.15.2010

At 14:03 hours today, a report of kidnapping came into the this office. Editor Sam, primary editor for the Empire's Only Underground News Agency rushed into the office to state that person(s) unknown had entered the lodging of the man, known only as Reporter Bob and forcibly removed him from his premises; #8 Moose Lover's Lane. Incident took place between 11:50 hours, 9/14/10 and 13:40 hours today. Editor Sam stated Reporter Bob was last seen in the company of several bar patrons inside the Moose Pass Lodge, where he was doing a story on their over indulgence of intoxicants among the locals, while dealing with local stressful conditions involving the recent arrival of numerous unwanted persons, and was believed to have left alone in a slightly intoxicated state.

ARMPIT responded to #8 Moose Lover's Lane and immediately discovered the front door unlocked, but the living room showed evidence of a struggle. Photographs were taken. A search also revealed that Reporter Bob's computer and all his files were missing, verified by Editor Sam. Investigators, who were elsewhere on another case, were notified and they responded to the scene. Crime Scene people were also dispatched and the entire apartment was dusted for prints, fibers were taken and the dirty dishes were left in the sink. Investigative Report to follow. Lt Col. John was notified.

At 16:12 hours, ARMPIT responded to the Moose Pass Cafe to stop a disturbance between locals and recently arrived Empire officials. With the Aztecian Shaman and Marie Osmond as complainants, the Empire Bureau of Food & Health Services responded from the capital city to close down Miss Saddy's Moose Pass Cafe for reports of numerous health code violations. Empire Federal Agents were also on hand to place Miss Saddy into custody for the Attempted Murder of the Shaman and the famous Ms. Osmond. But while attempting to make the arrest, locals, which included a bus load of recently arrived Nuns, blocked them from entering the building.

Mounted troopers, although reluctant to assist the Empire goons, were ordered by Lt. Col John to push the crowds back to avoid anyone from being hurt. The Moose Pass Cafe was then boarded up and Miss Saddy was transported to the ARMPIT jail for temporary holding.

Extra ARMPIT personnel have been put on high alert due to the recent uprising and kidnapping of Reporter Bob.

At 19:10 hours, ARMPIT personnel responded to a reported assault at Sir Bill's residence. Mounted personnel arrived on scene to discover a second attempt had been made on Sir Bill's life by suspected PETA or Green Peace radicals. Investigators sent to the seen. Explosive Ordinance Disposal personnel also requested to defuse a large peanut butter bomb found under Sir Bill's bed and a second smaller device found in the refrigerator. As a result of this incident, all on-call personnel were ordered to respond to headquarters.

At 19:28 hours, the Aztec Shaman ( name not given), entered this office to file a complaint against Local Labor Union # 77 ( sister union to ARMPIT Local # 77). Shaman complained that local laborers and contractors refused to deliver ordered building materials or do any labor for the building of his new temple. Shaman displayed Proclamation signed by High Muckedey-Muck and was not satisfied when he was instructed to seek out a lawyer as this was entirely a civil matter.  Shaman uttered numerous curses, made aggressive moves with his spear and was tasered for same. Shaman was then released by order of Lt. Col John.

At 22:47 hours, ARMPIT personnel responded to the Moose Pass Jail for a reported disturbance and suspected jail break of Miss Saddy. Upon arrival it was learned a prayer vigil was in process, for which ARMPIT personnel, ignoring the complaints by the Empire goons, participated in same affair. It was reported by one of these Empire goons that one of the Moose mounts had backed up to their Empire vehicle and deposited several pounds of fragrant moose nuggets on the passenger side.  Lt. Col John advised a written complaint was not necessary.

At 24:00 hours, C Shift relieved B Shift. 

Moose Pass Journal family news update 9.15.2010

Just to let you know, Mom developed a fever and the area of where they pulled out her drain tube appeared infected. Doctors saw her today, ran a CT Scan and blood test and everything inside appeared okay. Seems like a exterior wound infection which they are treating with antibiotics. She sees Doctor again tomorrow to ensure the infection hasn't worsened. Actually she just wanted an excuse to keep me doing all the house work, you should see the laundry room as I'm not allowed to do laundry. She is tired, but okay. Love, DAD

Moose Pass Journal family news update 9.13.2010

Just to let you all know that Mona got a good bill of health from the doctor today. She had the drain tube and staples removed and is feeling much better since the doc pulled everything out. In fact, I even let her drive again. So I am back to being navigator and passenger.

All for now.

Armpit News Alert 9.12.2010

Reporter Bob bringing you up to date with the wrap-up happenings for the Moose Pass Community Criminal wrap-sheet for this Sunday Night-

With the arrival of an AZTEC Shaman and his motley and quite clearly villainous crew of sun-worshipers and barbaric human sacrificing zealots, who were suspected as having an apparent financial or religious tie with the High Muckedey-Muck, Moose Pass has begun to see a growing increase in the disappearance of small cute animals and the sudden arrival of  what could only be termed as either hate groups or misunderstood folk with criminal behaviors.

ARMPIT was already dealing with PETA, Green Peace and their amazingly high number of support groups, who tried to pretend to hide their funds raising schemes behind charitable gaming permits for the playing of pull cards and bingo in an attempt to raise funds for these nefarious internationally known organizations. But with ARMPIT Local # 77 out on strike over the High Muckedey-Mucks unconstitutional handling of (or lack of doing anything about them) illegal immigrants, only the senior officers were on duty to handle the sudden rise in civic unrest throughout the Moose Pass region. As a result, the AZTEC contingent arrived, began camping out on the Empire's abandoned property, (once used for a mechanic shop/snow removal/heavy equipment storage and a swell fishing hole), and began to build their pyramid shaped sun-worshiping temple, with attached ceremonial human sacrifice altar on top and satellite TV.

Then sadly, Sir Bill lost one of his best cats, ( ..."it was really old anyway and was known to trip over its own paws"), when it happened to step upon a peanut butter mine. Said mine was thought to have been left behind by an AZTEC or Green Peace or PETA warrior to prevent Sir Bill from causing problems for the High Muckedey-Muck.  Investigators James and Joshua, true-blue officers of the law, along with loyal sidekick Jeremy, who now work on the security detail for Sir Bill, are investigating the incident- between fishing trips.

Old Saddy, still upset because of the earlier remarks made about her cooking inside the Moose Pass Cafe, ( not everyone likes fresh road kill porcupine), was brought to violence when she actually flung the AZTEC Shaman out of her joint. He had allegedly demanded the recipe for her donuts be returned. "Man oh man, you gotta think it's kind of odd for a man of his advanced years to be running around in a parrot feather bathrobe...kind of pretty though...Anyway, he was in my place and he demanded I hand over my secret recipe, sayin' it was from one of his old family recipes and he didn't think I could cook neither!", "That guy might be opening his own joint in that stupid temple of his and want to take my donut customers away from me...I won't stand for it. So I done throwed him out!"

Several of the locals then had to rise up from their tables to defend Old Saddy's honor when spear welding sun-worshipers in fancy aprons ran inside to accost the old gal. For a brief moment it was guns, aprons and spears in everyone's faces, but then the John-John Brothers arrived on scene and they were able to separate the two groups and return peace to the cafe.

Then someone opened the nut-happy water valve and all the crazies were let loose on the Southern Region. Next to arrive in this sleepy community, soon to be known as Ground Zero, were 13- fully attired witches from Hollywood and Northern Burbank, California- with brooms a smoking and anti-Dorothy posters in hand. They took up two-campsites in the Moose Pass RV Park, but they had to rent tents as their brooms only had so much room and it was a long flight. That extra baggage always costs more.

Three very old Buddhist monks from Oxnard, California arrived Friday evening and began conducting prayer ceremonies beside the ARMPIT corral and had to be gently removed before the ARMPIT mounts stomped them. Seems the mounts apparently did not like the smelly incense and those little bells the monks liked to ring all too frequently. Some kind Japanese farmers, who had arrived last year for a Northern Lights convention and this was their second summer here, were able to eventually relocate the monks down on the beach. They were also told to be on the look out for the missing Orkie, but were left very confused in how a 6-ton Orca whale had made it to a freshwater lake. They also questioned why the Aztecians, obvious foreigners and strangely not too well liked by the monks, were being allowed such choice land to live on? Especially, while they were being forced to live on a sand bar? The Japanese farmers, who were actually Lutherans, bowed and departed without answering.

Next a group of Hell's Angels wanna-bees, riding flame adorned Vespa scooters, but looking seriously disgruntled and in need of a good nap, were followed by a 29-passenger bus filled with a boisterous mixture of KKK/Black Panther Choir members(they were still struggling over robe colors and who rode in the front of the bus- leading to numerous Chinese fire drills for the best seating. They were left on the side of the road to entertain the Aztecians, while the smart Hispanic bus driver (who had his proper travel documents and a $50 bill for the first Empire cop who pulled him over), to escape.

After that, Sir Bill was on the verge of blowing the road. Especially when the porcupine hunters began arriving, tricked out in the latest hunting camouflage and nailing anyone who passed by with the lethal quills attached to their bodies. But before he could take such action, five Texans-with all too many stories of how they had to lick the water out of horse shoe print, pulled in with a rental RV and blocked a hippie VW van filled with a snaking worshiping barbershop quartet from the deep south. Then, hoping to find a bathroom without having to buy anything, four fat guys in an economy rental, who were reportedly lost and thought they were headed for the hot dog eating contest in Ohio, got Old Saddy all flared up for wanting a free-be on the bathroom and was forced to use the outhouse down the beach. After that, a bus load of (47) retired nuns from Phoenix, Arizona, (they assuredly had the witches greatly outnumbered), were hoping to locate the Moose Pass Bingo Hall. but it was the11-UFO enthusiasts who heard Moose Pass was a great location for sightings that forced Old Saddy to close and lock the door, the cafe was closed for the the night.

But before she could slip the lock, the matter turned serious when Marie Osmond suddenly showed up with her Nutri-system support group, which sent all the townspeople into a case of the shakes. Told how her donuts were fattening, kindly Old Saddy, who fed most of these people, decked Marie and stomped off. She had drawn the line at Aztecian Shamans and even witches, but she refused to let the Osmond woman into her place and had never felt so good as when she sent Marie flying back through the door. Afterward, an employee nailed an 8' x 12'- "right to refuse service" sign on a big Spruce tree beside the parking lot of her joint and ordered the removal of all non-local vehicles from her place.

She was even considering barbed wire, when as a result of these weird activities, ARMPIT Local # 77 took an immediate vote and decided to go back to work. They didn't want to miss any of this strangeness and were hoping for some gut stomping, rack piercing and hullabaloo action before the summer officially ended with the first snow and things got boring again.

The John-John Brothers were extremely relieved by the strike ending and they quickly returned to their office duties. However, Lt. Col John and Major John were seen at the shooting range taking pot-shots at their saddles with an expression of sheer joy on his face. Both were observed to be still walking a bit wide at the knees.

ARMPIT News Update Sept 9th 2010

ARMPIT's official Office of Information reported a disturbance today outside the Moose Pass Cafe, when an estimated 17-AZTEC sun worshipers mixed it up some with PETA sympathizers, over the use of small animals ( seagulls, shrews, little tourists and local toy poodles), for religious purposes. Headdress Parrot feathers, stone knives and the occasional bra, along with various demonstration signs were a flying and not even the offer of one of Saddy's free donuts could quiet the crowd down. A couple JW's (every town has some), tried to calm down some of the spectators with free handouts; four local men- retired veterans and a wheel chair bound granny, who were placing odds on the "Aztecians" taking the PETA group by better than 2-1. But ARMPIT's senior officer corps was on hand ( those brave and hardy souls) to finally get the two groups separated and out of Old Saddy's range after vandalizing her vintage 1932-Ford. Though it did take a bit of rack action by the moose corps since the John-John Brothers, red faced and out of breath from too many years sitting behind the desk, were still having a bit of a problem with wide-leg syndrome; common malady from not having ridden a moose mount in some time.

The AZTEC Shaman, ( holy man/medicine man for those of you who do not speak Aztecian- spelled "Az-tec-i-cun", like "Tex-i-cun" for those of you who live in Southern Texas or Southwest Michigan, Nevada and Maine), was beautifully attired in a ceremonial robe of mutli-colored Parrot feathers and a headdress 3-feet high. Lt. Col John was heard to remark to Major John how the shaman looked as if he had just come off the screen of some Walt Disney "Lama" cartoon, but grew upset when the shaman began to curse all in attendance in Aztecian and then without a word of thank you, stormed off with his worshipers in tow. It didn't escape Major John's notice that the shaman, a man who spouted off the sins of caffeine,  was carrying a 12-pound bag of Moose Pass Cafe's famous Moose Drool Coffee grounds under his arm.

Since the arrival of the Aztecians and their suspected alliance with the High Muckedey-Muck,  Sir Bill ( Grand Poo-Pah of the Southern Empire Region), has been clearly distancing himself from His High Muckedey-Muck and due to Sir Bill's problem with forming complete sentences- three words in a row is his best ( according to Lady Mo, beloved wife to Sir Bill, too many meds for too many years-plus the stress of 2-miniature canines sharing his bed along with 5- cats in the house, and not to mention a 90-year old mother.... list is too long), News Services accepted a direct quote from Sir Bill's Chief of State; Ms. Elizabeth ( who is also suspected of being romantically involved with a certain Lt. Colonel in ARMPIT and there have been rumors of a secret marriage having taken place, but anyway, she's already stated she doesn't like to mix politics with her personal life), has stated the following for sir Bill- "Due to our High Muckedey-Muck's suspected involvement in violating our constitutional laws over illegal immigration, financial reforms that devastate our economy and a high priced health care plan clearly unwanted by our people- not to forget his suspected alliance with Green Peace and PETA organizations and their sympathizers, and his many attempts to silence EMPIRE personnel from reporting to the news services on the construction and supplying of Peanut Butter Bomb plants in the northwest desert regions of our Empire, Sir Bill wishes to state he will only serve out his current term as Grand Poo-Pah to fulfill the wishes of his people and then resign from Empire politics... or until such time a new High Muckedey-Muck has been voted into office. Sir Bill will not entertain questions at this time, but does plan to conduct town hall meetings inside the Moose Pass Lodge at some future date and a honorarium of certain value is promised."

but within two-hours of this statement, an attempt was made on sir Bill's life. Private Investigators, ( remember they quit the Empire), James and Joshua, along with their loyal sidekick- Jeremy, ( all now on Sir Bill's security staff), were called to Sir Bill's capitol residence later this afternoon. There, it was learned that suspect(s) unknown had laid peanut butter mines along the pathway leading from the residence to Sir Bill's private and overly-priced outhouse. Sadly, it was one of Sir Bill's cat's, the big hairy one that weighed in at nearly 60-pounds, who set off one of the mines, he but did save the Grand Poo-Pah from a grizzly fate.

Memorial services for the cat, affectionately known as Big Fluffy by the staff, will be conducted in two days. Takes time to get all that peanut butter off.    

In other news, plans for the construction of the AZTEC pyramid are still being reviewed by Empire historians, a team of men and women who are attempting to uncover any truth to the Shaman's statement of how the AZTEC people had come to the Empire long ago and were even responsible for Old Miss Saddy's recipes for donuts and her various grilled road kill favorites. Such news has inflamed Miss Saddy, who threatens to sue the shaman.

Another bit of news is circulating through the populace of how "Orkie" has apparently disappeared. The 6-ton Orca Whale was last seen three days ago, but one witness has reported to ARMPIT seeing an AZTEC whaling boat in pursuit of Orkie in the northern parts of the lake. ARMPIT is investigating this report.

In our final news for the night, the High Muckedey-Muck, who usually distancing himself from the Empire's various religious sects, churches, denominations, cults and practices, has has taken an unusual stance regarding the AZTEC people. He has gone so far as to issue a decree, which forbids one such sect's planned burning of Aztecian holy guides, cook books- including the one for "Best Ways to Cook Lama" and " 102 Best Ways to  Make a Parrot Headdress for Under $10". 

All for now.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

An ARMPIT News ALert

Your Reporter Bob here with another News Alert- Word was received this morning that ARMPIT personnel have selected to strike against the Empire's latest so-called amnesty program for illegal immigrants. ( These are the people crossing the border illegally, around the clock and armed to the teeth with peanut butter weapons of mass destruction, although the Empire says the statistics, made up by some guy out sourcing through India, shows the numbers dropping, and although the Empire spent $44 Billion for a tamper resistant barrier wall, guard dogs, a mote with highly trained alligators and a big fish called "Flipper", they continue to come in great numbers- but who's counting?).

Unfortunately, this strike is only for the lower ranking personnel who belong to ARMPIT Local # 77, and not the lieutenants and above, who are unable to belong to ARMPIT Local # 77. They also do not have to pay the high dues of $493.00 a week, which also enables the members to participate in weekly bingo nights- limit 7-cards, and those free donuts at the Moose Pass Cafe- limit one per member unless your over 55-yrs old and can verify your age with 4 photo ID and a letter from your mother.

So, Lt. Col John and Major John, affectionately known as the John-John Brothers (though only related by marriage, but no one can quite remember who it was that got married that actually joined them- strange family ties), were forced to take their old saddles off the wall, making sure to leaves the spurs behind as the new moose mounts have their limits, rub them down some and march to the corral  to select a new mount. Their old mounts, gray old bulls with sagging racks had long ago drifted off into the hills to chase the little women mooses-meeses? Making sure to have those little blue pills along with them. Of course the John-John Brothers haven't saddled a Moose officer in quite sometime and several of the striking ARMPIT personnel were on hand, with camera phones, to catch the show. In fact, Old Gal Saddy from the Moose Pass Cafe was on hand with her little-red wagon to hand out, actually sell, (that girl doesn't hand out anything for free), her fantastic donuts for the crowds of well-wishers. They may be on strike, but the brotherhood of the ARMPIT flows true and was still evident as the John-John Brothers were tossed about the corral, while attempting to break in new mounts and promptly dusted right off and put right back on by friendly hands, even though there was some voice of complaint coming from the bruised and battered senior officers.

NEWS BREAK:  Reporter Bob has learned of a demonstration being held down at the Moose Pass Lodge over a new development involving Empire politics. 13 men and women, waving their signs and refusing to leave the parking lot are making accusations against the High Muckedey-Muck for forcing his will over the common people in an attempt to bring the Empire down through economic downfall, over expenditures with the people's tax money to break the Empire's financial backbone and bring socialism to the Empire.

One suck protester, a kindly old man of some years and experience in the political world ( believed to be a former Texas oil tycoon who had served in politics and in his father's foot steps), reported having proof that  the High Muckedy-Muck was actually a socialist and borderline Commie, who had begun his career in the very home of a famous terrorist and member of the infamous Storm Chasers.  Reporter Bob will be looking further into this, but I can tell you this demonstration will be going on for sometime because the John-John Brothers are still afoot and complaining of severe back aches. They were last seen heading for the ARMPIT hot tub.

NEWS BREAK: Word has just come in to this Underground News Agency of how an AZTEC Shaman and his loyal party of sun worshipers have been allowed to pass through the border unchallenged, supposedly carrying with them a border pass, (something like a hall room school pass but looks more impressive), signed by the High Muckedey-Muck himself. Word is this group of barbaric sun worshipers who practice human sacrifice on every other Wednesday and twice on the third Sunday of the month, plan to build a pyramid shaped temple, with gift store, next to the Moose Pass Cafe. A member of the High Muckedey-Muck's cabinet is escorting them and stressing "Tolerance".

Word is also in that Investigators James, Joshua and their loyal sidekick-Jeremy, have elected to resign from the Empire over this scandalous violation of the Empire's Codes of Conduct, tax laws, barbaric brutality and sacrificing humans on Wednesday's clause in the constitution. They have elected to join with the demonstration and offer up their expertise in commando tactics, late night searching through garbage cans, donut tasting and fingerprinting skills.

It appears that a line is being drawn and at this point its anybody's guess on who will join with which party. However, Reporter Bob would like to take this moment to say that for those desiring to serve in the side of Liberty- to put down the evil forces of Green Peace and Peta, to remove the millions of peanut butter mines from the frontier, that Old Gal Saddy makes a mean donut. Personally, I prefer the white cake donut with heavy white frosting sprinkled heavily with chocolate sprinkles. But don't let your stomach sway you- consider the options and lets impeach the High Muckedey-Muck before he can place Red Square in the parking lot of the Moose Pass Cafe and charge a parking fee.

That's all for tonight, readers.  Reporter Bob signing off. 

Monday, September 6, 2010

On a More Serious Note

A Very Happy Labor day to all of you. It is sunny here, which is nice to see again and tomorrow Mona has here surgery in Anchorage, so please hold her in prayer. This is a day surgery, where they use laser to dissolve the dead gall bladder and remove it through five small holes. Should be simple and after a couple days of rest she should be back to normal.

Yesterday we closed our old church down, it had stood there for over 35-years as a "temporary building",(having been brought over as a used trailer from Soldotna), and turned the keys over to the new owners, who also happen to be Christian and will turn the building into a photo shop. We will be using the Moose Pass Elementary School for 2-3 months while we raise the funds to finish our new church. We are currently $15,000 short, but we are praying.

Now as to the other serious side of this e-mail. Over the years I have sent out this journal, my way of blogging, and you have read and replied on my silly stories, up to date family affairs and misc stuff. But today I want to discuss something that has struck a very note and wish to share with you. I try very hard to avoid politics, unless its through my ARMPIT stories, but yesterday I viewed something on television that struck a nerve and wanted to bring it to all of you.

I was watching my favorite TV channel, Turner Classic Movies, (everyone knows I'm into old movies and probably bored my kids with too many of them as they grew up), and they were showing the "March of Time", a documentary serial that had a run between the late 1930's through 1940's. It was shown in 25 minute segments in your local theater- prior to the scheduled movie.Well, yesterday they were showing a segment from 1938-1939 and it really alarmed me.

This segment was about the rise of the NAZI propaganda machine and right here in the good ol' USA. This was just prior to Hitler's invasion of Poland and the beginnings of WWII. But right here in America, and this was on film and in the news at that time, was the NAZI party's rise in our country. I watched as hundreds marched in parades right down through the main streets of New York and Chicago. Goose step marching Americans, attired in Nazi uniforms and wearing the Swastika ( spelling?) arm band and proudly carrying the NAZI flag, right beside the our Stars & Stripes.  Massive rallies were held to spread Hitler's propaganda, with Americans in those accursed German military uniforms giving the "Heil Hitler" salute to both flags as this veil dribble was spread over the crowd with enthusiastic voices. Here was our flag, raised beside that damn "Swastika" and we allowed it. People were preaching tolerance all over toward a different form of political party, supported by the American's First political party, and spouting off about how our constitution protected the NAZI party and their cause. At this same time this NAZI machine, which through its own words violated the liberties provided for all Americans under our American Constitution, was setting up youth camps in our land to train up young American ( only whites need apply)-Nazi's to fight for Hitler in Europe and we paid for it with our tax dollars.

Tolerance; this was the word used against us to help silence us. BUT then one small community stood up and said NO! The NAZI machine had wanted to build one of their youth camps in their northeastern community and people began to rise up against them. This finally led to a massive town hall meeting where it was filmed by news cameras, drawn by this David versus Goliath because the NAZI party had grown so large. The people said no-no-no and their town council responded in kind. The NAZI machine was stopped from entering their community. They tried to fight back of course, saying their rights were being violated and sighting that same word- tolerance, hoping to get fellow Americans behind them. But those headlines immediately disappeared because the big story became Hitler's march and Poland. Within two weeks it had fallen before his massive war machine- a country he had signed an alliance pact with a year earlier. The NAZI party was forced underground and they began numerous acts of sabotage against Americans. We seem to have forgotten how many ships were sunk in our own harbors, how many factories were hit by German saboteurs.

So for me, this reminded me right off of what is occurring in our country right now with the rise of Islam. Tolerance is the word bantered about, trying to keep us quiet, trying to keep us from saying "NO- not here!"  "Do not build your mosque on this land". History is always their to remind us, but sadly, we all to often tend to forget history and it always comes back to bite in the butt.

Muslims like to bring forth the Crusades and how Christians tortured and killed so many Muslims back then and yes, it was very tragic and I imagine our Lord wept in Heaven. But most of this was done by a select set, men who followed the wishes of the then pope and they were to become known as Templars. Yes, it was a sad moment in Christian history. But we also need to look deeper into the history of Islam. Of  how Muslims brought a blood bath to the world as they spread their words across Africa and the Middle East. And I can see them eventually doing that here if we do not make a stand. Accept Islam or die. The Word of God says we will be persecuted unto death for our beliefs and the Muslims have the history to be the one who carries it out.  Tolerance is the word to often used to quiet us and we can be so tolerant to see ourselves become slaves because we failed to look at history. We need to look at our own history, and what Islam has done to the world since its beginnings.  Once it was Nazism and one town stood up to stop them. Now it could be Islam and who will make the stand to stop it from taking over our country and enslaving a people all too busy with game machines, dating services, texting our friends, making more and more money while a fellow family starves next door,  our all too many addictions and not to forget our just plain laziness in hopes it will all just pass us by. We are ripe for the taking.

Our two major political parties are so busy pointing their fingers at each other, voting the party line when the idea may simply be wrong and leading our country into one worse mess after another. Americans need to stand together as Americans and not as political parties who love to argue.

I used to investigate politicians and how gambling funds were used to deepen their campaign chests and all too many of them were. I saw how too many young politicians with big dreams and great ideas for a new bill came into office and within a year were compromised. To get their bill across and many of them were truly great ideas that never saw fruit, were forced to vote for a bad bill to get a vote for theirs. All to early they became just another man or woman in office, who never saw their ideas reach the floor because the party didn't want it and only because it didn't match up with the party's desires, who now cared more about re-election than anything else. Sad, some of them liked the tile of their office more than the people they were supposed to be serving. I'm an independent, a non-partisan and in this way I can vote for the person and not what party they belong to. 

I love my Lord, this beautiful country and I love Alaska. I especially love the people that strive to make this piece of land a great place to live.
Thank you for reading. Bless your day.