Mr. Bill and Miz Mona

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Armpit News Alert 9.26.2010

Reporter Bob is back with you, having survived my torturous ordeal with those Aztecian fiends and then those cold hard hands of Nurse Wanda (wears those fake long fingernails covered in red car enamel) who bandaged me up and cleaned the stinky peanut butter out of my nostrils . Yes, people, I came pretty close to being offered up as a sacrifice to those foul sun worshipers once the temple was completed and I am totally grateful, (I'll buy you a coffee sometime), to those courageous Militia boys and girls, and those club swinging conservative religious right band of guerrillas, who assisted in the take over of the Aztecian grounds and freeing me. Way to go, guys... girls too!

It is also my pleasure to announce that Old Saddy, a bit ruffled to be sure, has reopened her cafe and is offering free doughnuts, (only the first one and no bear claws), to all those who were involved in what has come to be known as the Moose Pass Cafe and Aztecian scuffle.

It also appears that Orkie, the somewhat friendly Killer Whale, who is responsible for keeping the Shaman from escaping, has been adopted by ARMPIT. Orkie has also been designated an honorary moose. Feeding times have been set-up for Orkie and volunteers are requested to sign-up for the daily feeding....ah, fish to be supplied for food, but quick hands a necessity.

Last night's community meeting, held at the Moose Pass Community Center and attended by all parties involved in the defense of Moose Pass and the deterrence of criminal activity by unsavory characters, was led by Sir Bill and Lady Mo. They spoke of setting up a border defense for the Southern Region and sending a formal notification to the High Muckedey-Muck, which would announce plans for the Southern Region to sever all ties with the rest of the Empire, (outside of tourism of course), and proclaim themselves their own sovereignty. This announcement was met with a thunderous applause, gun fire, hats flying and several chickens released  into the air.

Sir Bill warned the people that a war with the Empire would assuredly be coming, especially since the High Muckedey-Muck was now surrounding himself with newly arrived Aztecian warriors, skinheads and lumbering goons. Border defensive positions would have to be installed and the Militia would have to enlarge to prevent the Southern Region from being overrun by sun worshiping killer clowns armed with nuclear suitcase peanut butter bombs.

Sir Bill further announced that Lt Col. John was promoted to Lt. General John and placed in charge of the Militia personnel, while Major John, now promoted to full colonel, would remain in charge of all ARMPIT personnel.

It was also during this meeting that ARMPIT Intelligence people had recently learned and now announced how in the Empire's attempt to keep a ready cash flow handy had borrowed $800 billion from an unfriendly oriental country, who had once played a great drum routine for an Olympic ceremony and liked fortune cookies, had secured this outrageous loan with a very secret negotiation; offering up all the natural resources belonging to the Empire's Southern Region in the event the loan could not be repaid. A fact apparently unknown to nearly 99.9 percent of the people of the Empire.

As an added attraction to the first of many community meetings, Professor Mulligan of the Emerald City, a strange little man only 3-feet tall, with orange hair, was on hand to offer up free hot-air balloon rides to the Land of Oz, ( however return trips were not guaranteed and a signed insurance waiver was required). Ruby slippers were also offered, size 6 only, and a bottle of a smelly oil for air sickness. He was also selling bags of anti-witch powder for those taking the trip.

I also want to take this moment to tell all my readers that Editor Sam's humongous rabbit named Steve, seems to be now following me around. I've discovered he drools a lot when in the presence of hot fudge-sundays and likes to play checkers, ( he cheats....I think it's a he).

That's it for this weekly wrap-up. The Militia, out numbered to the max, is preparing for a possible war with the Empire northern, western and eastern regions, while the High Muckedey-Muck attempts a gradual and sneaky hostile take-over of the Empire. ( he hopes to accomplish this while everyone is watching Sunday and Monday Night Football). Boot camp for new militia personnel is underway and new mounts are being rounded up for new ARMPIT personnel. Old Saddy is busy putting out dozens of doughnuts by the hour to feed the troops, but fears her supply of flour may be cut off with the war looming.

This is the former Empire's Only Underground News Agency.... waiting for new name, signing off.

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