Mr. Bill and Miz Mona

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Armpit News Alert 9.15.2010

At 14:03 hours today, a report of kidnapping came into the this office. Editor Sam, primary editor for the Empire's Only Underground News Agency rushed into the office to state that person(s) unknown had entered the lodging of the man, known only as Reporter Bob and forcibly removed him from his premises; #8 Moose Lover's Lane. Incident took place between 11:50 hours, 9/14/10 and 13:40 hours today. Editor Sam stated Reporter Bob was last seen in the company of several bar patrons inside the Moose Pass Lodge, where he was doing a story on their over indulgence of intoxicants among the locals, while dealing with local stressful conditions involving the recent arrival of numerous unwanted persons, and was believed to have left alone in a slightly intoxicated state.

ARMPIT responded to #8 Moose Lover's Lane and immediately discovered the front door unlocked, but the living room showed evidence of a struggle. Photographs were taken. A search also revealed that Reporter Bob's computer and all his files were missing, verified by Editor Sam. Investigators, who were elsewhere on another case, were notified and they responded to the scene. Crime Scene people were also dispatched and the entire apartment was dusted for prints, fibers were taken and the dirty dishes were left in the sink. Investigative Report to follow. Lt Col. John was notified.

At 16:12 hours, ARMPIT responded to the Moose Pass Cafe to stop a disturbance between locals and recently arrived Empire officials. With the Aztecian Shaman and Marie Osmond as complainants, the Empire Bureau of Food & Health Services responded from the capital city to close down Miss Saddy's Moose Pass Cafe for reports of numerous health code violations. Empire Federal Agents were also on hand to place Miss Saddy into custody for the Attempted Murder of the Shaman and the famous Ms. Osmond. But while attempting to make the arrest, locals, which included a bus load of recently arrived Nuns, blocked them from entering the building.

Mounted troopers, although reluctant to assist the Empire goons, were ordered by Lt. Col John to push the crowds back to avoid anyone from being hurt. The Moose Pass Cafe was then boarded up and Miss Saddy was transported to the ARMPIT jail for temporary holding.

Extra ARMPIT personnel have been put on high alert due to the recent uprising and kidnapping of Reporter Bob.

At 19:10 hours, ARMPIT personnel responded to a reported assault at Sir Bill's residence. Mounted personnel arrived on scene to discover a second attempt had been made on Sir Bill's life by suspected PETA or Green Peace radicals. Investigators sent to the seen. Explosive Ordinance Disposal personnel also requested to defuse a large peanut butter bomb found under Sir Bill's bed and a second smaller device found in the refrigerator. As a result of this incident, all on-call personnel were ordered to respond to headquarters.

At 19:28 hours, the Aztec Shaman ( name not given), entered this office to file a complaint against Local Labor Union # 77 ( sister union to ARMPIT Local # 77). Shaman complained that local laborers and contractors refused to deliver ordered building materials or do any labor for the building of his new temple. Shaman displayed Proclamation signed by High Muckedey-Muck and was not satisfied when he was instructed to seek out a lawyer as this was entirely a civil matter.  Shaman uttered numerous curses, made aggressive moves with his spear and was tasered for same. Shaman was then released by order of Lt. Col John.

At 22:47 hours, ARMPIT personnel responded to the Moose Pass Jail for a reported disturbance and suspected jail break of Miss Saddy. Upon arrival it was learned a prayer vigil was in process, for which ARMPIT personnel, ignoring the complaints by the Empire goons, participated in same affair. It was reported by one of these Empire goons that one of the Moose mounts had backed up to their Empire vehicle and deposited several pounds of fragrant moose nuggets on the passenger side.  Lt. Col John advised a written complaint was not necessary.

At 24:00 hours, C Shift relieved B Shift. 

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