Mr. Bill and Miz Mona

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

ARMPIT News Update Sept 9th 2010

ARMPIT's official Office of Information reported a disturbance today outside the Moose Pass Cafe, when an estimated 17-AZTEC sun worshipers mixed it up some with PETA sympathizers, over the use of small animals ( seagulls, shrews, little tourists and local toy poodles), for religious purposes. Headdress Parrot feathers, stone knives and the occasional bra, along with various demonstration signs were a flying and not even the offer of one of Saddy's free donuts could quiet the crowd down. A couple JW's (every town has some), tried to calm down some of the spectators with free handouts; four local men- retired veterans and a wheel chair bound granny, who were placing odds on the "Aztecians" taking the PETA group by better than 2-1. But ARMPIT's senior officer corps was on hand ( those brave and hardy souls) to finally get the two groups separated and out of Old Saddy's range after vandalizing her vintage 1932-Ford. Though it did take a bit of rack action by the moose corps since the John-John Brothers, red faced and out of breath from too many years sitting behind the desk, were still having a bit of a problem with wide-leg syndrome; common malady from not having ridden a moose mount in some time.

The AZTEC Shaman, ( holy man/medicine man for those of you who do not speak Aztecian- spelled "Az-tec-i-cun", like "Tex-i-cun" for those of you who live in Southern Texas or Southwest Michigan, Nevada and Maine), was beautifully attired in a ceremonial robe of mutli-colored Parrot feathers and a headdress 3-feet high. Lt. Col John was heard to remark to Major John how the shaman looked as if he had just come off the screen of some Walt Disney "Lama" cartoon, but grew upset when the shaman began to curse all in attendance in Aztecian and then without a word of thank you, stormed off with his worshipers in tow. It didn't escape Major John's notice that the shaman, a man who spouted off the sins of caffeine,  was carrying a 12-pound bag of Moose Pass Cafe's famous Moose Drool Coffee grounds under his arm.

Since the arrival of the Aztecians and their suspected alliance with the High Muckedey-Muck,  Sir Bill ( Grand Poo-Pah of the Southern Empire Region), has been clearly distancing himself from His High Muckedey-Muck and due to Sir Bill's problem with forming complete sentences- three words in a row is his best ( according to Lady Mo, beloved wife to Sir Bill, too many meds for too many years-plus the stress of 2-miniature canines sharing his bed along with 5- cats in the house, and not to mention a 90-year old mother.... list is too long), News Services accepted a direct quote from Sir Bill's Chief of State; Ms. Elizabeth ( who is also suspected of being romantically involved with a certain Lt. Colonel in ARMPIT and there have been rumors of a secret marriage having taken place, but anyway, she's already stated she doesn't like to mix politics with her personal life), has stated the following for sir Bill- "Due to our High Muckedey-Muck's suspected involvement in violating our constitutional laws over illegal immigration, financial reforms that devastate our economy and a high priced health care plan clearly unwanted by our people- not to forget his suspected alliance with Green Peace and PETA organizations and their sympathizers, and his many attempts to silence EMPIRE personnel from reporting to the news services on the construction and supplying of Peanut Butter Bomb plants in the northwest desert regions of our Empire, Sir Bill wishes to state he will only serve out his current term as Grand Poo-Pah to fulfill the wishes of his people and then resign from Empire politics... or until such time a new High Muckedey-Muck has been voted into office. Sir Bill will not entertain questions at this time, but does plan to conduct town hall meetings inside the Moose Pass Lodge at some future date and a honorarium of certain value is promised."

but within two-hours of this statement, an attempt was made on sir Bill's life. Private Investigators, ( remember they quit the Empire), James and Joshua, along with their loyal sidekick- Jeremy, ( all now on Sir Bill's security staff), were called to Sir Bill's capitol residence later this afternoon. There, it was learned that suspect(s) unknown had laid peanut butter mines along the pathway leading from the residence to Sir Bill's private and overly-priced outhouse. Sadly, it was one of Sir Bill's cat's, the big hairy one that weighed in at nearly 60-pounds, who set off one of the mines, he but did save the Grand Poo-Pah from a grizzly fate.

Memorial services for the cat, affectionately known as Big Fluffy by the staff, will be conducted in two days. Takes time to get all that peanut butter off.    

In other news, plans for the construction of the AZTEC pyramid are still being reviewed by Empire historians, a team of men and women who are attempting to uncover any truth to the Shaman's statement of how the AZTEC people had come to the Empire long ago and were even responsible for Old Miss Saddy's recipes for donuts and her various grilled road kill favorites. Such news has inflamed Miss Saddy, who threatens to sue the shaman.

Another bit of news is circulating through the populace of how "Orkie" has apparently disappeared. The 6-ton Orca Whale was last seen three days ago, but one witness has reported to ARMPIT seeing an AZTEC whaling boat in pursuit of Orkie in the northern parts of the lake. ARMPIT is investigating this report.

In our final news for the night, the High Muckedey-Muck, who usually distancing himself from the Empire's various religious sects, churches, denominations, cults and practices, has has taken an unusual stance regarding the AZTEC people. He has gone so far as to issue a decree, which forbids one such sect's planned burning of Aztecian holy guides, cook books- including the one for "Best Ways to Cook Lama" and " 102 Best Ways to  Make a Parrot Headdress for Under $10". 

All for now.

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