Reporter Bob bringing you up to date with the wrap-up happenings for the Moose Pass Community Criminal wrap-sheet for this Sunday Night-
With the arrival of an AZTEC Shaman and his motley and quite clearly villainous crew of sun-worshipers and barbaric human sacrificing zealots, who were suspected as having an apparent financial or religious tie with the High Muckedey-Muck, Moose Pass has begun to see a growing increase in the disappearance of small cute animals and the sudden arrival of what could only be termed as either hate groups or misunderstood folk with criminal behaviors.
ARMPIT was already dealing with PETA, Green Peace and their amazingly high number of support groups, who tried to pretend to hide their funds raising schemes behind charitable gaming permits for the playing of pull cards and bingo in an attempt to raise funds for these nefarious internationally known organizations. But with ARMPIT Local # 77 out on strike over the High Muckedey-Mucks unconstitutional handling of (or lack of doing anything about them) illegal immigrants, only the senior officers were on duty to handle the sudden rise in civic unrest throughout the Moose Pass region. As a result, the AZTEC contingent arrived, began camping out on the Empire's abandoned property, (once used for a mechanic shop/snow removal/heavy equipment storage and a swell fishing hole), and began to build their pyramid shaped sun-worshiping temple, with attached ceremonial human sacrifice altar on top and satellite TV.
Then sadly, Sir Bill lost one of his best cats, ( ..."it was really old anyway and was known to trip over its own paws"), when it happened to step upon a peanut butter mine. Said mine was thought to have been left behind by an AZTEC or Green Peace or PETA warrior to prevent Sir Bill from causing problems for the High Muckedey-Muck. Investigators James and Joshua, true-blue officers of the law, along with loyal sidekick Jeremy, who now work on the security detail for Sir Bill, are investigating the incident- between fishing trips.
Old Saddy, still upset because of the earlier remarks made about her cooking inside the Moose Pass Cafe, ( not everyone likes fresh road kill porcupine), was brought to violence when she actually flung the AZTEC Shaman out of her joint. He had allegedly demanded the recipe for her donuts be returned. "Man oh man, you gotta think it's kind of odd for a man of his advanced years to be running around in a parrot feather bathrobe...kind of pretty though...Anyway, he was in my place and he demanded I hand over my secret recipe, sayin' it was from one of his old family recipes and he didn't think I could cook neither!", "That guy might be opening his own joint in that stupid temple of his and want to take my donut customers away from me...I won't stand for it. So I done throwed him out!"
Several of the locals then had to rise up from their tables to defend Old Saddy's honor when spear welding sun-worshipers in fancy aprons ran inside to accost the old gal. For a brief moment it was guns, aprons and spears in everyone's faces, but then the John-John Brothers arrived on scene and they were able to separate the two groups and return peace to the cafe.
Then someone opened the nut-happy water valve and all the crazies were let loose on the Southern Region. Next to arrive in this sleepy community, soon to be known as Ground Zero, were 13- fully attired witches from Hollywood and Northern Burbank, California- with brooms a smoking and anti-Dorothy posters in hand. They took up two-campsites in the Moose Pass RV Park, but they had to rent tents as their brooms only had so much room and it was a long flight. That extra baggage always costs more.
Three very old Buddhist monks from Oxnard, California arrived Friday evening and began conducting prayer ceremonies beside the ARMPIT corral and had to be gently removed before the ARMPIT mounts stomped them. Seems the mounts apparently did not like the smelly incense and those little bells the monks liked to ring all too frequently. Some kind Japanese farmers, who had arrived last year for a Northern Lights convention and this was their second summer here, were able to eventually relocate the monks down on the beach. They were also told to be on the look out for the missing Orkie, but were left very confused in how a 6-ton Orca whale had made it to a freshwater lake. They also questioned why the Aztecians, obvious foreigners and strangely not too well liked by the monks, were being allowed such choice land to live on? Especially, while they were being forced to live on a sand bar? The Japanese farmers, who were actually Lutherans, bowed and departed without answering.
Next a group of Hell's Angels wanna-bees, riding flame adorned Vespa scooters, but looking seriously disgruntled and in need of a good nap, were followed by a 29-passenger bus filled with a boisterous mixture of KKK/Black Panther Choir members(they were still struggling over robe colors and who rode in the front of the bus- leading to numerous Chinese fire drills for the best seating. They were left on the side of the road to entertain the Aztecians, while the smart Hispanic bus driver (who had his proper travel documents and a $50 bill for the first Empire cop who pulled him over), to escape.
After that, Sir Bill was on the verge of blowing the road. Especially when the porcupine hunters began arriving, tricked out in the latest hunting camouflage and nailing anyone who passed by with the lethal quills attached to their bodies. But before he could take such action, five Texans-with all too many stories of how they had to lick the water out of horse shoe print, pulled in with a rental RV and blocked a hippie VW van filled with a snaking worshiping barbershop quartet from the deep south. Then, hoping to find a bathroom without having to buy anything, four fat guys in an economy rental, who were reportedly lost and thought they were headed for the hot dog eating contest in Ohio, got Old Saddy all flared up for wanting a free-be on the bathroom and was forced to use the outhouse down the beach. After that, a bus load of (47) retired nuns from Phoenix, Arizona, (they assuredly had the witches greatly outnumbered), were hoping to locate the Moose Pass Bingo Hall. but it was the11-UFO enthusiasts who heard Moose Pass was a great location for sightings that forced Old Saddy to close and lock the door, the cafe was closed for the the night.
But before she could slip the lock, the matter turned serious when Marie Osmond suddenly showed up with her Nutri-system support group, which sent all the townspeople into a case of the shakes. Told how her donuts were fattening, kindly Old Saddy, who fed most of these people, decked Marie and stomped off. She had drawn the line at Aztecian Shamans and even witches, but she refused to let the Osmond woman into her place and had never felt so good as when she sent Marie flying back through the door. Afterward, an employee nailed an 8' x 12'- "right to refuse service" sign on a big Spruce tree beside the parking lot of her joint and ordered the removal of all non-local vehicles from her place.
She was even considering barbed wire, when as a result of these weird activities, ARMPIT Local # 77 took an immediate vote and decided to go back to work. They didn't want to miss any of this strangeness and were hoping for some gut stomping, rack piercing and hullabaloo action before the summer officially ended with the first snow and things got boring again.
The John-John Brothers were extremely relieved by the strike ending and they quickly returned to their office duties. However, Lt. Col John and Major John were seen at the shooting range taking pot-shots at their saddles with an expression of sheer joy on his face. Both were observed to be still walking a bit wide at the knees.