Editorial by Editor Sam: In the absence of my dear friend, Reporter Bob, whose whereabouts remain unknown, I have elected to write his weekly editorial for him. I was able to piece together some of the notes he had left in his office desk; items he had been working on for this weekly tidbit. I only hope that those scoundrels who are holding him will treat him with the dignity he deserves as an outstanding newsman for many years and now on the run from Empire Authorities for speaking the truth.
Had h been here today, Reporter Bob would've highlighted the wrongdoings by the Empire and especially those misdeeds being carried out by the High Muckedey-Muck and his cabinet of foul-mouthed degenerates. People who have forgotten the men and women of the Empire who voted them into office.
Reporter Bob would've asked all of you to search your soul and ask yourself the question of how much longer will we put up with a government body that no longer cares about the individual's rights. How we have allowed the Empire elected officials to fly about the land, campaigning for their particular political party, while spending hard earned tax dollars contributed by every man and woman of the Empire? How the High Muckedey-Muck can use Empire aircraft and vehicles, along with security personnel, to campaign across the country for men and women of one political party?
We as people of the Empire voted the High Muckedey-Muck into office and he is sworn to represent all of us, yet he campaigns for only one political party and their agenda... and on our dime and we allow this by turning a deaf ear to it.
The High Muckedey-Muck promised no raise in taxes, to take us out of debt, but his schemes have all failed and he has placed us ever deeper in the hole. Now we borrow billions from the very countries we fear of entering into future wars with and what will we do when they call their marker in? Give them part of the Empire?
He has forced health care issues, even going so far as a plan to legalize the possession of peanut butter bomb making material without a permit as a way to help his friends of PETA and Green Peace.
Evidence has surfaced that connects the High Muckedey-Muck with radical domestic terrorists; the Storm Chasers who were quite active in the 1960- 1970 era. Entering into politics from the very living room of this terrorist leader's house and studied under two of the great collegian socialists of the 1970's. Yet his promises made us blind to his secret agenda to bring about the downfall of a freedom loving Empire. It is due to such iron-fist tactics that forced this news agency to go underground, or risk having our printing press turned to slab metal and our employees jailed for speaking their minds.
Now, Reporter Bob, whose apartment was left in shambles, his computer and files taken and he himself feared kidnapped, has only these few notes written on three napkins, an Old Saddy's road kill menu and the bottom of one slipper, left into his investigation of the High Muckedey-Muck.
But Sir Bill's private security investigators, James-Joshua and their loyal sidekick, Jeremy, have turned up one single piece of evidence in Reporter Bill's disappearance; under the couch of Reporter Bob's couch, stuck to a hair ball and a piece of chewed up gum, was a single blue parrot's feather. This evidence was ignored by the Empire goon squad brought in to assist ARMPIT crime scene teams, but local ARMPIT personnel have advised me that such a feather matches up perfectly with the blue parrot feather worn by the Aztecians- especially the ceremonial gown worn by the shaman himself.
Already there have been ties shown between the Aztecians and the High Muckedey-Muck, especially when it was learned how the High Muckedey-Muck had even paid the border fees for the Aztecians to enter the Empire and gone so far as to send the Aztec Shaman on an all-expense paid trip to Peru to express to the Hispanic and Indian people of the Empire's love for them and a desire to begin trade relations once the cultural and religious walls were torn down. But today things turned even darker when a convoy of heavy equipment arrived in Moose Pass, escorted by three truckloads of skin-head neo-nazi construction workers and their black clothed goose stepping security force. These people had come from far and wide to help the Aztecians build their ceremonial temple, with attached DISH satellite and ceremonial sacrificial stone.
This was a sad day for Moose Pass and the people of the Empire.
ARMPIT personnel were called out to quell the disturbance, when locals (five beer guzzling loggers and their cook-Susie), begin to kick the quickly deflated high-stepping neo-nazi troops and their Aztecian counter-parts all over the parking lot of Saddy's boarded up cafe. For one brief moment, the sun shined and birds sang and freedom bells were ringing.
It should also be noted that though our esteemed ARMPIT personnel did break up the one-sided brawl, (Susie, who was swinging her two 24-inch cast-iron frying pans wildly about and had four Aztecians down, and was in the process of dropping her 482-pounds on top another three of the skin-heads), ARMPIT personnel refused to make any arrests of the locals.
One photo, which will appear on the front page of this news agency's paper tomorrow proudly displays four Neo-Nazi goose steppers hanging from the moose rack of Corporal Bambi ( known unofficially as Bam-Bam, has a 58-inch rack and weighs in at 1900-pounds). It was reported that Sergeant Milligan was simply using his mount Bambi to gently escort the troublemakers from the area.
In closing, I would strongly suggest that our Empire goons, currently now in residence in Moose Pass, at tax payers expense, might get off their duffs ( observed to be spending most of their time watching football and flirting with a 68-year old lodge bartender), and locate Reporter Bob before he ends up being the first invite to the shaman's ceremonial sacrificial stone.
(Any relationship between high Empire officials and current elected officials is meant to be humorous and not to be taken seriously. Okay, This is in jest- all right- quit bugging my phone and get that 600-pound rabbit out of my room!) This note is for any of the Secret Service, NSA, CIA, FBI, IRS and NFL spooks who might be reading my e-mails.