Mr. Bill and Miz Mona

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Armpit News Alert 9.25.2010

Breaking News: The High Muckedey-Muck, who has put into place a massive plan for socialized medicine, the buying out of the banks & mortgage companies and the bigger auto works, is rumored to be taking on the Empire's whole education program- not counting the home school, special charter programs and private academies. It was then mentioned in a popular TV talk show, conservative of course, by a woman who had actually lied through it, that in 1938-39 an elected state leader in Europe had implemented the very same programs- his name was Hitler...Adolph Hitler The next item to come under his unconstitutional attack was unauthorized religion....makes one think, doesn't it.

Reported Bob had taken upon himself to conduct an extensive investigation that linked the High Muckedey-Muck with domestic terrorism, by his prior association with the Storm Chaser organization while he was in college. Reporter Bob then mysteriously vanished, presumed kidnapped. Papers found in the office of the Empire's Only Underground News Agency showed Reporter Bob was building a story on the High Muckedey-Muck's direct association with sun worshiping Aztecians.

Reporter Bob had positive proof Neo-Nazi skin heads were being allowed to pass through the Empire under passes issued by the Office of the High Muckedey-Muck. Such action would have caused several conservative factions to rise up and voice their contempt for the High Muckedey-Muck in any attempt to force a new amnesty program through the parliament for all PETA, Green Peace and Aztecians.

Rumors obtained by Editor Sam spoke of how the High Muckedey-Muck may take steps to stop the 2012 elections, using the power of his office to keep him in office. He would use his Aztecian soldiers, who seem to be popping up everywhere, to enforce his will upon the people of the Empire. Word has it that some of the cleaning staff inside the capital, who were looking for a place to get some sleep, had seen the High Muckedey-Muck worshiping, what they believed to be a replica of the sun god. But when asked for an official statement these people have all declined.

Sir Bill, when he heard of these facts and rumors, went so far as to officially, and on TV, separate himself from the Empire's political system. He then requested the Moose Pass Militia to rise up to protect the Southern Region from the schemes of the High Muckedey-Muck. Militia elements, mostly older veterans, trappers and experienced hunters, have armed themselves in preparations for war. Their first action was to take and hold the Empire goons, who were holding Old Saddy. The militia then had to protect their prisoners from Saddy's violent wrath, causing EMT's to respond to the jail to provide aide to the goons.

The Moose Pass Militia, riled up and feisty, were filled up with Old Saddy's fresh doughnuts, (the cafe was re-opened of course and guards posted to prevent another closure), then attacked the Aztecian grounds. The fire fight between the two forces lasted for several hours, with parrot feathers flying when the old Shaman attempted to escape by boat. The boat was quickly sunk when Orkie, who had not been seen for days, suddenly appeared and rammed the highly decorated whale boat.

Frightened Neo-Nazi skinheads were rounded up and placed inside the ARMPIT stalls and corrals, guarded closely by 2-year old moose rookies. ARMPIT personnel had finally taken a vote and unanimously decided to work with the militia forces. They then assisted in the attack, their fearsome mounts, with nostrils flaring and beady eyes glaring, and sent the Aztecian warriors fleeing  for their lives. The rest of the lowlifes who were brought in to assist the Aztecians in the building of their temple were leaped upon by a company size force of angry nuns. Armed with clubs, the nuns had joined forces with the local Baptists and Methodists to route the evil ones from their community.

When it was over, some 158 vile devil worshipers and their shaman were in custody. But inside the temple grounds, Lt. Col John discovered the early building stages of a nuclear peanut butter boiler. When Sir Bill and his investigator/security staff learned of this peanut butter nuclear boiler - Investigators James and Joshua and their trusty and loyal sidekick Jeremy, began interviewing the Aztecian workers. Though water boarding was suggested, even feeding a couple of the warriors to Orkie, Sir Bill declined the usage of such a techniques, but did agree the usage of moose nuggets to get the workers to talk. When demonstrated on the first man, who had gone so far as to spit a parrot feather at one of the Baptist volunteers, the rest of the workers agreed to talk. The usage of the moose nuggets was not a pretty sight to be sure.

After listening to the workers spill their guts, Sir Bill knew the time was rapidly coming for a confrontation between the forces of good and evil. The High Muckedey-Muck's armies were growing with the recent surge of Aztecians being allowed to enter the Empire. Promises were being made for an Empire of sun worshipers, with two-years of college or a short stint in the Empire military forces being offered to obtain citizenship. As to where the funds for college and military duty would come to cover such promises, Sir Bill was troubled. He knew the High Muckedey-Muck was eventually have to raise taxes, implement a national sales tax and control the monetary system.

But on a good note; an unconscious Reporter Bob was discovered strapped to a 2,000 pound peanut butter bomb inside the basement of the Aztecian temple. According to Aztecian workers, the big bomb was supposed to go off in the event an overwhelming attack was made on the temple. But the Aztecian warrior responsible with the duty of setting it off, had been trampled under the hooves of an ARMPIT mount.

Reporter Bob was taken to the clinic for treatment, but is expected to make a full recovery and return to the news agency.

That's it for now. The situation is now in the hands of the High Muckedey Muck. And about the 600 pound rabbit I mentioned in the last report, please disregard. He is actually 655-pounds and I've named him Steve. I'm teaching him to type, but his spelling is terrible.

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