Your Reporter Bob here with another News Alert- Word was received this morning that ARMPIT personnel have selected to strike against the Empire's latest so-called amnesty program for illegal immigrants. ( These are the people crossing the border illegally, around the clock and armed to the teeth with peanut butter weapons of mass destruction, although the Empire says the statistics, made up by some guy out sourcing through India, shows the numbers dropping, and although the Empire spent $44 Billion for a tamper resistant barrier wall, guard dogs, a mote with highly trained alligators and a big fish called "Flipper", they continue to come in great numbers- but who's counting?).
Unfortunately, this strike is only for the lower ranking personnel who belong to ARMPIT Local # 77, and not the lieutenants and above, who are unable to belong to ARMPIT Local # 77. They also do not have to pay the high dues of $493.00 a week, which also enables the members to participate in weekly bingo nights- limit 7-cards, and those free donuts at the Moose Pass Cafe- limit one per member unless your over 55-yrs old and can verify your age with 4 photo ID and a letter from your mother.
So, Lt. Col John and Major John, affectionately known as the John-John Brothers (though only related by marriage, but no one can quite remember who it was that got married that actually joined them- strange family ties), were forced to take their old saddles off the wall, making sure to leaves the spurs behind as the new moose mounts have their limits, rub them down some and march to the corral to select a new mount. Their old mounts, gray old bulls with sagging racks had long ago drifted off into the hills to chase the little women mooses-meeses? Making sure to have those little blue pills along with them. Of course the John-John Brothers haven't saddled a Moose officer in quite sometime and several of the striking ARMPIT personnel were on hand, with camera phones, to catch the show. In fact, Old Gal Saddy from the Moose Pass Cafe was on hand with her little-red wagon to hand out, actually sell, (that girl doesn't hand out anything for free), her fantastic donuts for the crowds of well-wishers. They may be on strike, but the brotherhood of the ARMPIT flows true and was still evident as the John-John Brothers were tossed about the corral, while attempting to break in new mounts and promptly dusted right off and put right back on by friendly hands, even though there was some voice of complaint coming from the bruised and battered senior officers.
NEWS BREAK: Reporter Bob has learned of a demonstration being held down at the Moose Pass Lodge over a new development involving Empire politics. 13 men and women, waving their signs and refusing to leave the parking lot are making accusations against the High Muckedey-Muck for forcing his will over the common people in an attempt to bring the Empire down through economic downfall, over expenditures with the people's tax money to break the Empire's financial backbone and bring socialism to the Empire.
One suck protester, a kindly old man of some years and experience in the political world ( believed to be a former Texas oil tycoon who had served in politics and in his father's foot steps), reported having proof that the High Muckedy-Muck was actually a socialist and borderline Commie, who had begun his career in the very home of a famous terrorist and member of the infamous Storm Chasers. Reporter Bob will be looking further into this, but I can tell you this demonstration will be going on for sometime because the John-John Brothers are still afoot and complaining of severe back aches. They were last seen heading for the ARMPIT hot tub.
NEWS BREAK: Word has just come in to this Underground News Agency of how an AZTEC Shaman and his loyal party of sun worshipers have been allowed to pass through the border unchallenged, supposedly carrying with them a border pass, (something like a hall room school pass but looks more impressive), signed by the High Muckedey-Muck himself. Word is this group of barbaric sun worshipers who practice human sacrifice on every other Wednesday and twice on the third Sunday of the month, plan to build a pyramid shaped temple, with gift store, next to the Moose Pass Cafe. A member of the High Muckedey-Muck's cabinet is escorting them and stressing "Tolerance".
Word is also in that Investigators James, Joshua and their loyal sidekick-Jeremy, have elected to resign from the Empire over this scandalous violation of the Empire's Codes of Conduct, tax laws, barbaric brutality and sacrificing humans on Wednesday's clause in the constitution. They have elected to join with the demonstration and offer up their expertise in commando tactics, late night searching through garbage cans, donut tasting and fingerprinting skills.
It appears that a line is being drawn and at this point its anybody's guess on who will join with which party. However, Reporter Bob would like to take this moment to say that for those desiring to serve in the side of Liberty- to put down the evil forces of Green Peace and Peta, to remove the millions of peanut butter mines from the frontier, that Old Gal Saddy makes a mean donut. Personally, I prefer the white cake donut with heavy white frosting sprinkled heavily with chocolate sprinkles. But don't let your stomach sway you- consider the options and lets impeach the High Muckedey-Muck before he can place Red Square in the parking lot of the Moose Pass Cafe and charge a parking fee.
That's all for tonight, readers. Reporter Bob signing off.